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Rutgers Music Essay- i'm not sure how to wrap up this ending


ech07410 1 / 3  
Nov 3, 2009   #1
Essay Topic: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 4000 characters including spaces.

It was night, the air thick with nerves and the arena filled with screaming fans, the announcer, in his deep voice, "is the Corp ready?" The drum major turned and gave his final solute of the season, and there was no turning back from there. It was DCI finals, and after spending two months eating, sleeping, practicing and learning together, this was our final performance. The feeling of anticipation was almost too much to bear, along with knowledge that I, that we, were going to be apart of something that dynamic and monumental. The sounds of the drums and horns were incredible, the way the conductor guided them along, creating sounds that could move you to tears and send chills down your back. Each individual person was essential, no one person more important then the other, everyone depending on each other, everyone in unison. The rush was unbelievable and the performance was something no one would or ever could forget. Despite our differences in education, ethnicity, and hometowns, nothing else mattered than those eight minutes of music.

My involvement in Drum Corps and music has always connected me to many different people, and this is something that I hope to continue in college. My experiences have led me to a vibrant assortment of places, from the hot, dry fields of Texas to the calming serene sights of Canada. These adventures have allowed me to meet different people, appreciate different views, and enjoy the company of people who bring new perspectives to old ideas. This knowledge can help me to benefit the Rutgers community by exposing others to the ideas I have been lucky enough to heed.

A band cannot play together without all the different horns, drums, and other instruments. Without the different instruments the sound would be boring and unchanging. It is like the life, without different people with unique backgrounds life would be boring. However because that is not the case life, is interesting, and ideas flood from the tongues of people like the notes pour out of a horn.

I have always been a fan of the Rutgers marching band, sitting in the stands at football games in awe of their awesome sound. The ability to energize and motivate an entire stadium of people using music is an amazing feet, one that I know the Rutgers marching band has done many a time. Some of my best friends are members, and it all goes back to drum corps, which in the end has brought me closer to Rutgers.

My hope is that Rutgers can provide a symphony of ideas and sounds ive never known. That it could broaden my range and understanding of cultures that differ from my own.
ivyeyesediting - / 85  
Nov 3, 2009   #2
Hi Jacquelyn,

I enjoyed reading your essay! I love how you feature music as a universal language. However, I understand what you mean about the ending. From my perspective, what your work most needs is a sense of cohesion:

"An example of diversity that has greatly impacted my life is my experience with Jewish traditions even though I am Christian. One of my best friends is Jewish, and during the holiday season we participate in each other's religious traditions. I go to her house for matzo balls, and she comes to my house to decorate my Christmas tree. This experience with a religion outside of my own has allowed me to appreciate the value of friendship."

Is your Jewish friend someone you met in the Drum Corps? This feels too disjointed, and needs to be more effectively tethered to your opening paragraph. How does the experience you create on the field really translate/transcend when you are off the field? To make this essay feel more 'whole,' I think this is where you need to go with it.

Remember to also target the prompt. "How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences." Do you want to pursue music at Rutgers? Or other activities that might help to create bridges in the Rutgers community, or expand your own horizons?

I think your intro can also include some more specific details--don't be afraid to get more imagistic. Describe the sounds, the feeling of anticipation. It must be an incredible rush to be surrounded by that much sound, and to create something so dynamic and monumental, completely in unison! In some ways, this is actually a great metaphor, and could help to really underscore the theme of diversity and give your essay even more depth.

Sincerely,
Brooke
OP ech07410 1 / 3  
Nov 3, 2009   #3
tweaked it but im still unsure of how to end it...


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