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Rutgers Essay Topic: First two paragraphs


ipwnu4free 1 / -  
Nov 14, 2009   #1
And here are my first two paragraphs. Read and criticize. I think ill link the first two paragraphs to how the diversity in school is very important, and how it will help the students reach goals that they could have never reached alone. Then ill end with how i will benefit from the school, and how i can contribute to the school, thanks again!

The people's greatest strength is also the people's greatest weakness. The differences that bring people together are the same differences that tear them apart. This is the beauty of diversity; the one quality that keeps us from perfection, yet allows us to learn and grow.

Seventeen days out of every two years, people all around the world stop to share each other's company. The Olympic Games never cease to amaze me. All of the different world cultures come to each other in peace to compete. All war, ethnic or political, almost completely surrenders to the power of unity that once again allows us to become attracted to our fellow neighbor's differences.

st21 3 / 10  
Nov 14, 2009   #2
The people's greatest strength is also the people's greatest weakness.
"The greatest strength of people is also their greatest weakness." Maybe something like that?

These two paragraphs look like they can be merged into one paragraph. The first paragraph doesn't seem to grasp attention of the reader like the second, how about switching the order of the paragraphs then merging them? That to me would be a more attractive intro. Also, look for other words to start you sentences off with besides "The".
jindu85 6 / 20  
Nov 14, 2009   #3
I think this is pretty like a verse rather than an essay. But if you feel comfortable with this, it's good.

I too think that you could merge them into one paragraph.

Anyway, I like it, and after reading these two paragraphs, I really would like to find out what's next~LOL~!
Jd87rh 11 / 55  
Nov 14, 2009   #4
Here's how i'd change it up. It's only small changes. over all i think your short essay is very good.

For many people their greatest strength is also their greatest weakness. The differences that bring people together are the same differences that tear them apart. This is the beauty of diversity; the one quality that keeps us from perfection, yet allows us to learn and grow.

The Olympic Games never cease to amaze me. Seventeen days out of every two years, people all around the world come to share each other's company. All of the different world cultures come to each other in peace to compete. All wars, ethnic or political, almost completely surrender to the power of unity that allows us to become attracted to our fellow neighbor's differences.

Then you need to answer the "How would you benefit from and contribute" question. Say how this diversity will help you. and how you will bring to this diversity.

Basically how you will had to the schools already diverse student body.

You can right about how your open minded and you love to learn new things.
And how your ideas and williness to share your thoughts ill contribute.

I hope I helped some how.

P.S. I'm having trouble with my own supplement questions.
It's somewhat similar about diversity so talk i look if you's like.


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