This is the first draft. It really needs to be edited!
Any suggestion or comment will help a lot!
Choose an issue of importance to youïthe issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scopeïand write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
I clearly remember that down, when a storm hit us. It is the oldest that my mind keeps track of; however it is neither the first one nor the last one I have lived. I saw nothing but sadness in poor people's faces. Few hours of rain were enough to take with it many houses, farms, stores, and most importantly, souls.
Against the strength of Nature we all are weak; but my country is weaker because it is impoverished. To prove it we just have to see the cover of the newspapers in May each year, when the rainy station just begins.
In addition, there is an important aspect of poverty that should be taken into account. Poverty is often confused with the absence of material goods; however, poverty is also a crisis in human rights because indigence is aggravated by repression, discrimination, corruption, insecurity and violence, elements which define poverty as well as a lack of material goods.
It was hard to grow up among those images that with regrettable frequency were presented to me. Children cleaning windshields at traffic lights and begging for money to eat, complete families sleeping under a bridge, murders and extortions which meant the daily bread for many; and as if wasn't enough, after natural disasters, houses completely destroyed as if they were made out of paper, people walking along the streets which seem to be rivers; they go carrying everything they have, and sometimes what is worst, carrying on their arms a death son.
Nevertheless, what was impossible for me was grow up resigned to that. I cannot imagine a future where I am happy, ignoring this reality. Because what for some is an indistinguishable dot in the map, for me it is the greatest source of inspiration: El Salvador.
As a child, in the small world inside my head I wondered if someday my country would be better. I built a dream about a day when my country will not be associated with high rates of poverty, violence or insecurity; but with economic vitality, prominent tourism industry or good living conditions for everybody under the sky of what we call our country.
However, this is not only significant to me, but also to my generation, because it is us who have the big challenge to transform our country, to make it a better place. We have to work together, because these issues couldn't be solved right now with some action as giving financial assistance. A more complex proceeding from everybody is needed. We have to empower these people, to educate them, to make them more capable and responsible.
This is what motivates me every day. I know I have to get prepared in order to start drawing a better future. Now I dream about getting the highest education, coming back to my country and contributing with my work to make possible the dream which as a child one day I built.
Wow. The topic of choice is fantastic, caught my attention. The first sentence can be shorten, so it can be powerful.
Sadness and bereavement disabled peoples' hearts, that dawn. (Just an idea)
You don't have to state that they were elements...
"180 salvadorans who had a common characteristic:" This sounds a bit awkward, change the wording, but not the meaning. The meaning is immensely deep!
You may want to say "180 savadorans were all captured by one thing: Poverty" (again just an idea)
You may change it your liking, of course.
but my country is weaker because is poor. (Not is poor, but it's poor) You may want to change the word, because it is kind of repetitive. You can say impoverished.
These issues couldn't be solved right now with some action as giving financial assistance
These issues could not(avoid abbreviations like that)
Theessay overall is engaging, however, the essay topic is how does this impact you. I understand the people are uneducated, and poor.
But how does this directly EFFECT YOU?
You may want to add some of a sentimental attachment to it.
Man that would fail very hard.
THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT YOU THERE!
When they want you talk about a problem, try to show how did that affect you personally and shaped you. That's the point, they don't want to know about how poor your country is, for they can read in some newspaper or something similar. They want to know you better through your essay.
The vocabulary is kind of good, but with that level of vocabulary I expected better grammar and I was disappointed. There are many grammatical mistakes that should be taken care of.
Currently, I won't worry about the grammar. I would focus on giving that essay a personal touch.