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"A Safari to Last a Life Time" - Evaluate a significant experience


sheilar 1 / 1  
Dec 6, 2010   #1
Hi everyone, I need someone to edit/critique this essay. Please be as critical as possible.

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

A Safari to Last a Life Time
Life is a journey, filled with adventure, risk, and opportunities. Two years ago, I traveled to India, a profoundly diverse country, and went to a resort with all my immediate relatives. This trip taught me much about life in a way that I never envisioned. When I reflect on this journey, it reveals to me what really matters in life: the value of family, and how life is really just an ongoing safari, in which we must adapt to our circumstances.

The defining experience of the resort was the many real life safaris in which we did not know what we would encounter. The very abstraction that an animal could materialize in front of our 7 passenger, open Jeep was truly frightening because there were elephants, tigers, leopards, inside the jungles of India. Once inside the Jeep, the roads were treacherous, and the tour guides had no weapons to defend anyone from the perils that lay ahead. This being said, I ended up hyperventilating and shedding some very fear filled tears the first time I went.

Though my first safari did not go as well as planned, I decided to take the risk once more and on my second trip, I was met with a sight both majestic and scary. In the middle of the road, was a Tusker, or a rogue elephant. These elephants that leave the rest of the group and go out on their own are the ones that are the most frightening animals in the jungle. They take their aggravations out by charging at almost anything that comes in their line of site. Our tour guide, who was quite alarmed himself, slowly backed up our jeep, indicating to everyone, with the use of hand gestures, to remain as quiet as possible. While this was happening, I noticed many of my family members were praying. In fact, my grandfather quipped saying "everyone pray to whichever God you believe in!" We waited, hoping that the elephant had not detected our presence and would slowly vacate the path. The adrenaline rush that everyone was experiencing charged the entire environment. Suddenly, the elephant took a few running steps in our direction. Everyone held his breath, but then the elephant came to a halt and started walking away. Why our lives were spared, I guess we will never know.

As I sat there assessing the situation and coming to the conclusion that my life was over, I still felt secure knowing that my family was with me. After we got through this obstacle, I realized that a strong family, faith, patience, and self confidence was what saved us. If one of us had panicked, shouted, or ran, it could have been disastrous, but because we had had strong ties in these aspects of life, what we faced came that much easier.

Life is a never-ending safari. I can be told what to expect, the challenges and the hardships, but I can never know when they will arrive in front of my path, or what those challenges may be. I must then live my life in a way that I prepare myself for these moments. As I go to college, I see this as another road in my safari of life. I am given instructions and advice on what to expect, but I will not know the depths of the challenges I might have to endure. In this way, I prepare myself mentally with the idea that whatever comes my way, I still have a strong family background, faith, and self confidence to keep me grounded in place. This way of thinking has had a great impact on my life because it has helped me to stay focused on what really matters. It has also taught me to put myself out there and to take risks in life, otherwise I would not apprehend some of life's greatest lessons.

niricabiri - / 7  
Dec 6, 2010   #2
I like it! Just a few things:

"When I reflect on this journey, it reveals to me what really matters in life: ..."
Maybe change it to: "As I reflect on this journey, I realize what really matters in life:..."
Or: "As I reflected on my journey, I realized what really mattered life..."

"Everyone held his breath..."
Change to: "Everyone held their breath"

I really like how you connected your experience in the safari with life and how you will take on college, I think that's very good.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Dec 6, 2010   #3
Hi,
Life is a journey, filled with adventure, risk, and opportunities. Two years ago, I traveled to India, a profoundly diverse country, and went to a resort with all my immediate relatives . ----- This is a very good start. It flows so well and the only part that did not really appeal me was "immediate relatives". I felt that gives a rather vague feeling to the sentence. Better if you use a simple term such as "family", "cousins" etc. However, that is my feeling. Your sentence is not wrong and I intend to further improve its effect.

This trip taught me much about life in a way that I never envisioned. When I reflect on this journey, it reveals to me what really matters in life: the value of family, and how life is really just an ongoing safari, in which we must adapt to our circumstances.------ Very interesting.

Good Luck with your application!
OP sheilar 1 / 1  
Dec 7, 2010   #4
Thank you so much. This was very helpful; I agree with the changes!


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