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'Safe environment to express myself' - Evaluate a significant risk Common app essay


tina56 1 / 5  
Oct 22, 2012   #1
I know I have many grammar mistakes, please help me to improve them and also if you think of any good words I could use I would appreciate it.

I am open to ideas about improving my story. If you have additional ideas please include them.

words: 477
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Essay:

Three weeks seems to be such a short time. That is 28 days. 672 hours. 40,320 minutes. That is 24,119,200 seconds. Such a short time compared to a lifetime. But three weeks back in the summer of 2009 changed my life.

It was a time of self-awakening. I was in Cambridge for a 3-week English course. It was the first time I had ever been away from my family. Everything was great. I'd met so many people from different countries I had never heard of like Luxemburg, Kiribati and Vanuatu. We talked about our cultures and our countries. Most of my friends didn't think highly of me because I was from Iran. They had a fixed a image that I had a gun hidden under my skirt. The first week was full of people teasing me. I told my self they were just jokes and that they too knew that we weren't that different from one another. I held it in until the 8th day when a boy from France called me a terrorist in the middle of the common room. In that moment I forget who I was or where I was. Anger was building up inside me. I felt a hatred I had never felt before.

I had two options. I was either going to yell and scream every disrespectful word I knew and unload myself from this anger that was filling me up or I was going to walk away. It was not easy to choose. It was very difficult to resist temptation but I did it. I didn't say anything. I walked away.

I didn't understand the reason for this discrimination. There wasn't many dissimilarities between us. I was honest, humorous, good with my studies. I did sculpture, drawing ,photography. I even played piano better than most of the people in my age. Then it hit me. We all try to outcast what we feared. My friends feared me. After

I went back to the common room my friends apologized and told me they were sorry and that they would never disrespect me or my culture ever again. In that moment I realized we were starting to understand each other.

At the end of my 3-week course the French boy and me became best friends. We talked about our countries and exchanged information about our life style. In those three weeks I experienced happiness, sorrow and satisfaction like I had never before. Now looking back I know that was the best summer vacation I ever had and I am glad that I made every single one of 24,119,200 seconds count.

I hope my college life will be a safe environment to express my ideas, connect with different people and mature in both academic and social matters. A place to learn and respect people's individual perspectives and pass through obstacles to reach my goals.

lukezayac 1 / 1  
Oct 22, 2012   #2
"Three weeks seems to be such a short time. Three weeks is 28 days. 672 hours. 40,320 minutes. 24,119,200 seconds. Compared to a lifetime, three weeks is incredibly short . Despite this, three weeks in the summer of 2009 changed my life ."
OP tina56 1 / 5  
Oct 22, 2012   #3
lukezayac
Thank you<3
solawnjay 1 / 5  
Oct 22, 2012   #4
Three weeks seems like such a short time. That is 28 days. 672 hours. 40,320 minutes. That is 24,119,200 seconds. Such a short time compared to a lifetime. But three weeks back in the summer of 2009 changed my life.

It was a time of self-awakening. I was in Cambridge for an English course. It was the first time I had ever been away from my family,however,e verything was great. I met so many people from different countries I had never even heard of like Luxemburg, Kiribati and Vanuatu. We talked about our cultures and our countries. Most of my friends didn't think highly of me because I was from Iran. They had a fixed a image that I had a gun hidden under my skirt. The first week was full of people teasing me . I told myself they were just joking and that they too knew that we weren't that different from one another. The teasing did not bother me too muchI held it in until the 8th day when a boy from France called me a terrorist in the middle of the common room. In that moment I forgo t who I was and where I was. Anger was built up inside me, and I felt a hatred I had never felt before.

I had two options: I was either going to yell and scream every disrespectful word I knew and unload myself from this anger that was boiling within me, was filling me up or I was going to walk away. It was not an easy choice . It was very difficult to resist the temptation to explode , but somehow I did . I didn't say anything. I walked away.

I didn't understand the reason for this discrimination. There wasn't many dissimilarities between us. Like the others, I was honest, humorous, and good with my studies. I did sculpture, drawing ,photography. I even played piano better than most of the people in my age.Then I finally understood.People try to outcast what they fear , and I realized that m y friends feared me.

After I cooled off, I went back to the common room where my friends apologized and told me they were sorry and that they would never disrespect me or my culture ever again. In that moment I realized we understood each other.

At the end of the3-week course, the French boy and me became best friends. We talked about our countries and exchanged information about our life style. In those three weeks I experienced happiness, sorrow and satisfaction like I had never before. Now looking back I know that was the best summer vacation I ever had and I am glad that I made every single one of those 24,119,200 seconds count.

I hope my college life will be a safe environment to express my ideas, connect with different people and mature in both academic and social matters. I know that it will be a place to learn and respect people's individual perspectives and pass through obstacles to reach my goals.

Comments:
-The beginning paragraph with the different times seemed a bit unnecessary
-It is unclear how you and the french boy became friends so I would elaborate on that.
-I don't understand the paragraph about your friends fearing you. How is that significant to the story? Do they fear you, or do they fear the differences you have? Explain how you were able to make them see that your differences were nothing to be afraid of.

-Why is it that you all started to understand each other? Did the other kids experience prejudice as well? If so, explain more.
ashleymanoff 2 / 2  
Oct 22, 2012   #5
This is actually so good, good job!
ldirkx 1 / 6 1  
Oct 22, 2012   #6
I agree with all of solawnjay but also.. the French boy and I became best friends.

- I love how you told us this story, but try to focus more on showing us the story. What I mean by this is to incorporate more sensory details and elaboration on the experience.

- Paint us a picture with your words so we can close our eyes and envision living in that moment.
- Also, try to emphasize what the risk was that you took.

Other than that, this essay is awesome for the prompt! Whether you know it or not, you also answered the Common App essay indirectly by talking about your diversity and heritage.

Best of luck :)
OP tina56 1 / 5  
Oct 23, 2012   #7
Thanks everyone it was really helpful. thanks for pointing out so many things I wouldn't have noticed.
I will try to include more details;)
caseySchooling 5 / 22  
Oct 23, 2012   #8
Three weeks is 21 days. You should either change the time to accompany four weeks, or completely change that. I like the opening, though. Very original.
OP tina56 1 / 5  
Oct 23, 2012   #9
yeah sorry I wrote in a hurry! that's so embarrassing.


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