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It is said that when he was born, he watched the world burn. Epic Short Story- Notre Dame


grcpark7 6 / 42 16  
Dec 31, 2014   #1
It is said that when he was born, he watched the world burn.

Nestled in the covers of his crib, Kracen giggled as the flames leapt up and licked his toes. Forgotten in the queen's chamber, he did not hear the screams of the maids, the pounding of the feet, and the crashes of the wood beams as the fire ravaged throughout the castle.

That night, the entire kingdom of Acedoma fell victim to the violent pillaging of the ruthless warlord, Thraceus. By dawn, no one knew what was happening. No one knew about the heir to the Acedoman throne, tucked away in the crumbling castle tower. All they knew was that death was upon them and that death was staying.

Meanwhile, the newborn, resting on a pile of ashes, was restless. His wails drowned out the remaining flickers of the dying flames. Suddenly, a blinding white light consumed the room and swallowed the baby whole, leaving only a badly charred crib in its wake.

**Had sooo much trouble with the ending, because I'm not supposed to really end this introductory paragraph like ending a short story. Anyway, feel free to comment! Let me know if this was really exciting or bored you to tears. You guys are amazzzzing.**

The word limit is 150-200 words.
nada1998 5 / 8  
Dec 31, 2014   #2
If the point was to write a short story this is perfect because you left cliffhangers at the end of each paragraph by not pointing out what happened to the child, or what was the white light, or what happened to the people.
OP grcpark7 6 / 42 16  
Dec 31, 2014   #3
Haha yes, I'm supposed to hook you in with the first 150 words.
My apologies for not writing out the prompt: A good story starts with a good beginning. Get us hooked in the first 150 words.

Thanks for your feedback! :)
ryao15 4 / 25 10  
Dec 31, 2014   #4
Great story! It certainly had me hooked. Few suggestions:

"and the crashes of the wood beams as the fire ravaged throughout the castle. "-- you should make this parallel to what you had before, so it should say 'crashing of wooden beams'.

"All they knew was that death was upon them and that death was staying." -- A bit wordy? Could you change the second 'death' to 'it'?

"Meanwhile, the newborn, resting on a pile of ashes, was restless. His wails drowned out the remaining flickers of the dying flames. Suddenly, a blinding white light consumed the room and swallowed the baby whole, leaving only a badly charred crib in its wake." -- Where did that crib come from? You said he was resting on a pile of ashes, and then on a badly charred crib. Could you change that a bit to make it either both cribs or both ash?

Other than these few things, great job!
Guessit 2 / 15 1  
Dec 31, 2014   #5
Great story !

The crib either got burnt and became ashes, or it is still there. You said "The baby was lying on a pile of ashes" but in the beginning you mentioned a "crib". Otherwise, it's a wonderful story.

P.S - temme what happens next pls !!
OP grcpark7 6 / 42 16  
Dec 31, 2014   #6
Whoops haha both of you guys are right. My bad, gotta change that.

Well, thanks for both of your feedback! Really appreciate it :)
LunarEclipse 3 / 5 3  
Dec 31, 2014   #7
Grace, this was a great story. Very entertaining to read. I'd agree with guessit about that minor detail but everything ( description, suspense, vocabulary) was great. :)

Do you mind reading my essay one more time? I added a few minor things into the essay and wasnt sure if it sounded right.


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