thank you Kevin, and this is another personal statement I wrote for practice but a foreign friend told me that most of sentences seems to be translated literally from my language into English and another friend showed me the second para seems boring since it is a list not very detailed focusing on one topic.If possible, how could I change the second para to make it more individual and attractive? thank you very much.
It is said that we learn from difficulties. This has been particularly true in my case. During my three years at middle school, I had to quit a couple of my main interests, including playing the piano as I didn't have enough time to practice. Focusing on academic studies was my major commitment and occupied most of my time. I had to put all my effort towards gaining an excellent score in the high school entrance exam as do most Chinese students.( If such study style was my general practice, I would not be confused with respect to digging out the true meaning of my life.)During that time, I stopped too many of my true hobbies and became unhappy and seemed not to (project) care about my future although I still did well at school. Under these circumstances, my parents (as successful entrepreneurs) helped me get out of this state of unhappiness and confusion. Also because of their consideration, they helped me see my future more clearly. They encouraged me to study in a well-known international high school with western-style education, which puts an emphasis on how to cultivate students with well-rounded development.
Starting a new high school gave me chance to begin a new life and start to fulfill my potential. During my 3 years at high school my main commitments and achievements were 1) the leader of the school basketball team 2) the captain of the brass band team 3) the captain of the school aerobic team 4) a main member of the school Guzheng team and participated in 7 public performances 5) initiated and organized a voluntary organization called 'Our Summer Vacation Trips'. This has been registered officially in the Charity and Relief Union in Ningbao City and we have organized a couple of large charity activities collecting funds for further charity work 6) the conductor of the school orchestra. Meanwhile, my academic scores, especially my English, has greatly improved and I managed to score a 7 overall on my IELTS test.
In addition to my academic performance in school, I fortunately found my true career ambition. While participating in the voluntary organization, my inner voice told me that I need do more to re-pay society by what I am learning and what I hope to learn in an American University as a major in political or international studies. One of my career ambitions is to find a suitable role within an international organization, such as UNESCO, ideally with a specific focus on assisting people who have been displaced due to civil unrest, war, famine or other natural disasters.
Therefore, I look forward to the challenges and opportunities that studying at your university presents. If selected, my hard work and dedication will bring honor to your institute and value to the student community.
Attending a new high school gave me chance to begin a new life and start to fulfill my potential. During my three years at high school my main commitments and achievements included my roles as: , 1) the leader of the school basketball team 2) the captain of the brass band team 3) the captain of the school aerobic team 4) a main member of the school Guzheng team and participated in 7 public performer 5) initiater and organizer of a volunteer organization called 'Our Summer Vacation Trips'. This has been registered officially in the Charity and Relief Union in Ningbao City , and we have organized a couple of large charity activities collecting funds for further charity work 6) the conductor of the school orchestra. Meanwhile, my academic scores, especially my English, have greatly improved , and I managed to score a 7 overall on my IELTS test.
Great job!! I am excited for you. Please stick around and give help to other people struggling with English.
Dear Kevin:
I am willing to apply for top 10 universities in USA .this means that if you use the personal statement above, it is a good one or I need more work on each sentence or might be to say more detailed matters about me.
Would you give me any advice from you? Ths
I think you should use numbers diffwerently:
During my three years at high school my main commitments and achievements were, 1.) the leader of the school basketball team, 2.) the captain of the brass band team, 3.) the captain of the school aerobic team, 4.) a main member of the school Guzheng team and participated in 7 public performances, 5.) initiated and organized a voluntary organization called 'Our Summer Vacation Trips'. This has been registered officially in the Charity and Relief Union in Ningbao City and we have organized a couple of large charity activities collecting funds for further charity work 6.) the conductor of the school orchestra. Meanwhile, my academic scores, especially my English, has greatly improved and I managed to score a 7 overall on my IELTS test.
I think the comma should come before the number.
