p.s: please criticize me and correct my grammar. I am not fluent in English because it is my second language. I moved to America about 5 years ago. Thank you so so much.
"There is a quaker saying: "let your life speak." Describe the environment in which you were raised- your family, home neighborhood or community- and how it influenced the person you are today."
As a child of motivated go-getters parents who choose to move to another country for better opportunities, pursuing dreams have been part of my life. Even before the immigration to America, our house was always stalked up with piles of American fiction, history and art books. As I slowly broaden my perspectives to other cultures, I have always been fascinated by Western art works especially Salvador Dali's. His powerful subjects with simple background with deep meanings enthralled me and gave me assurance that if someone was to ask me who my favorite artist was, I could answer proudly. Who would've thought that elephants can have fragile legs like birds? His ideas without limits and concrete judgment influenced me to become an inventor. Today, it is obvious my parents passed on their passion to me. From numerous educational resources I was exposed to, I learned to expand my perspectives and attitude. From my teacher mother, I learned to efficiently communicate my feelings and thoughts. Also, from my engineer father, I learned to work diligently in order to achieve a goal. I was a small kid without their positive impacts on me which created who I am today. My goal is not to become a millionaire or a celebrity but to give back what I received from America, land of opportunity and the home of braves.
Hey, I'm applying to Tufts, too. Are you applying for ED or just regular?
Anyway, I think your approach is fine. But not outstanding, though.
Here are some comments that I have for your essay.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------
pursuing dreams have been part => has been
stalked up => you mean stacked up?
would've => short form is a no-no
it is obvious my parents => it is obvious that my parents
I was a small kid without their positive impacts on me which created who I am today => need revising
to give back what I received from America => how? remember the golden rule in writing college essay: show, not tell.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -----
I think you just need to show your essay to a few people, polish it, and you are done for. All the best. =)
Nice story!
Well, I'll try, but I am not fluent in English neither, I have been here 2 years...
First of all.
I need to know how many words are the maximum or minimum...
If you have more words to use i would suggest to use them...just dinhhoang0802 told you...you need to show everything you write; not just tell us..
Also, you need to change your sentence structure. You could use more variation in the size of your sentences or something.
I like this sentence: "His powerful subjects with simple background with deep meanings enthralled me and gave me assurance that if someone was to ask me who my favorite artist was, I could answer proudly." You can use more sentences of this type.
I would change these sentences: "From numerous educational resources I was exposed to, I learned to expand my perspectives and attitude." & "I was a small kid without their positive impacts on me which created who I am today." These just do not sound right to me. IDK why.
Also, if you want you could change: From my teacher mother...my engineer father...to...From my mom, a teacher...my father, an engineer...but only if you want...I think it sounds better this way...
a millionaire or a celebrity, but...
you could change this "America, land..." into this "America-land..." =)
Hope this help...
Please read mine(s)...
