Hi everyone, thank you all for being so helpful recently. Can you all please look at this essay too? Please tell me if the essay is trite or boring, I think many people also want to change the world, however i think my experience is unique.
Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)
Looking out from the car window, most peoples see babies with their mothers begging for tomorrow's meal, children of my age or younger cleaning windows for spare change, and old man selling mint candy for a "cora" (quarter). They see poverty. However I see plates made out of gourds, tires retreaded for further use, and liquid soap dispenser made out of water bottle. I see wisdom, resiliency against poverty, and resourcefulness.
Gradually I came to admire Salvadorans, especially my archery coach. Despite living in El Salvador, an impoverished country, he never resigned to poverty and gave up on the archery, a very expensive sport. Instead he changed his fate using the tiny resource around him. He created dozens of essential archery accessories using broken or recycled materials, from making clicker* out of broken VHS cassette to making quivers out of PVC tubes. He used conventional materials in an unconventional way to create something needed. He showed me the essence of innovation.
Salvadorans like my coach greatly inspired me. I realize that that I don't need to engineer the next-world-changing material to change the world. I can start small. I can start with making finger sling* out of polyester string and ΕΊ" plastic tube, with constructing business show stands cheaply with Gaylord boxes (seriously, who came up with this name?), and with building personal gym using 3 liter soda bottles and sand.
However as I grow older, my ambition grow. Now I dream of studying in MIT so one day I can make a greater impact in the world.
First things first, your essay is 8 words over the maximum and they cut the essay done when applicants do that.
Looking out from the car window, most peoples see babies with their mothers begging for tomorrow's meal, children of my age or younger cleaning windows for spare change, and old man selling mint candy for a "cora" (quarter). They see poverty.
When looking out from the car window, most people see
famished babies, held by their mothers, sobbing for tomorrows meal, children my age or younger cleaning windows for spare change, and old men selling mint candy for a "cora" (quarter).
I see wisdom, resiliency against poverty, and resourcefulness.
Explain where the wisdom and resourcefulness comes from comes from. I know that this essay needs to be kept at a certain length but elaborate on this point, I think that it is very relevant to your topic. Do your experiences make you a stronger person. When people go through certain tribulations, they learn from them.
Also focus on grammar and punctuation. I will revise soon but now I have to go...Other than that your essay is a little conventional but well written. Good job! :)
