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"Salvation" - Prompt #2 of the personal statement essay for UC Applications


xblacklabeled 1 / 1  
Nov 12, 2009   #1
Please give any advice or pointers, every comment is very much appreciated

PROMPT: Tell us about an experience that is important to you. What about
this experience makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?


Salvation comes from the most unexpected places, being that I was only 14 my uncle Henrik found his from me. Henrik had never visited the United States before, and as a first-time tourist to the U.S. he was greeted with a bad case of what is known as hypoglycemic shock in the first week of his stay. Lucky as he was at the time, I was aware of the fact that he was a diabetic and his hypoglycemic shock wasn't the same say if I, a non-diabetic was to receive one.

As I recall it was mid-day in September and the house was only to Henrik and myself. He was discussing his past-times and making small-talk when unexpectedly it seemed as though a wave of uneasiness took over the expression on his face. His skin quickly turned pale and his forehead broke out in sweat. He told me the best he could with his broken speech that his sugar was dropping. By the time I realized that his symptoms were that of his diabetes he had already fallen on his side off the couch and onto the coffee table. I was quick to react and fed him some chocolate and hard candy which eventually helped him regain his strength and posture. Little did I know that afternoon was that I saved a life.

What I realized that night was my love for helping others. I understood my dreams of becoming a doctor to be more realistic. It isn't easy to describe how saving a life feels, but I knew from that day on that I wanted to do this for a living. I disregarded the social status, and the money that comes with being a doctor, the true gift knowing you helped someone else carry on when they couldn't. I found my life's bliss that September, and it seemed as though I was destined for this path since before my birth. My entire family on my father's side has had a background in the medical field, each with their own unique story leading them toward their love for the practice, what I now fully understand and experienced on my own.
tkkt1 11 / 47  
Nov 12, 2009   #2
Overall you have a good story, however, your sentence structure and wording is awkward. Sentences don't flow smoothly, try reading your essay out loud after re-writes. Keeping working on it. Good luck!

Leonid Minasyan
OP xblacklabeled 1 / 1  
Nov 12, 2009   #3
thanks so much I saw some minor errors here and there after i posted the thread
ill be sure to fix them
again thanks
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 13, 2009   #4
Here is a part where you should be more specific: ...was my love for helping others.

The power of the whole essay can be increased at that spot, because you can sharpen the focus in that sentence.

Actually, though, you have a great kind of balance in this essay, with a sort o figured out that you fit with this long line of physicians... excellent.

...all with their own unique stories about the processes that led them toward their love for the practice -- stories like the one that is being written for me now. what I now fully understand and experienced on my own.


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