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'the same dream about my father every night' - Georgetown - Early Action


joeservidio 3 / 10  
Oct 27, 2011   #1
The Admissions Committee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you.

It is the same dream every night; my father hands me a small envelope addressed by my first-choice college, and I hastily glide my finger under the flap to open the letter and read the only words that appear in big font: "CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED!" My hands begin to shake with exaltation as my father, reading the letter along side of me, lays his hand on my shoulder in approbation. His distinct hands instantly catch my attention. My father's hands are like bear's paws, thick and brawny. His hands are as versatile as they come, steadily holding power tools for hours in the morning, and then dexterously preparing family dinner at night. His hands are direct representations of the arduous hardships he has endured after years of sacrifice to support our family. His hands, enveloped in a taut layer of dry skin, are cracked and scratched and burned and bruised. His hands are permanently scarred with psoriatic arthritis, a disease enflamed from his hours of work, outside in the dead of winter, without gloves. I look again at my letter. My own hard work, which has included long days spent at school participating in over ten extracurricular activities, and long nights spent studying for exams, has finally paid off. I am ready to begin molding my own hands into dexterous tools, so I can one day recompense my father for all the selfless sacrifices he has made to benefit me. I bask in the warmth of accomplishment that has begun to engulf my entire body.
tylrrvera 2 / 10  
Oct 29, 2011   #2
Although, today, my hands represent my "unblemished" nature, thirty years from now, whether my hands are completely disfigured like my father's, or perfectly intact, I am confident I will look down and be proud of the man they represent.

All of these commas are entirely unnecessary. "Although my hands remain unblemished as of today, thirty years from now, I am confident that whether my hands are completely disfigured like my father's or perfectly intact, I will look down at them and be proud of the man they represent. "
cherrybomb94 20 / 44  
Oct 30, 2011   #3
You use the sentence "so I can one day recompense my father for the selfless sacrifices he has made to benefit me." twice in this essay. Another thing I noticed is that in the last paragraph you say "innovation of myself"--what does that mean? Consider changing the wording. Other that, I think your essay is really well-written.
Prettywings 1 / 74  
Nov 4, 2011   #4
[Moved from]: "CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED!" - more about me in my own words

Very good essay! It was well written and illustrative--I could visualize your excitement and your father's pride upon receiving your imaginary acceptance letter. The only thing I saw in your essay was what I felt was the over usage of the word "dexterous".
Guest /  
Nov 4, 2011   #5
Wow, I really enjoyed reading your essay! It definitely gives a clear insight on the person you are. I agree that the word "dexterous" has been over-used. You could replace it with "deft" or "adroit". :)


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