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'San Francisco's nursing program' - Admission essay help


I am in desperate need of help with my essay, please let me know what you think and of any suggestions that you may have, thanks in advance. my main focus is to make it more concise, yet powerful any suggestions on making this possible would be greatly appreciated thanks again

Prompt: Please compose a one or two page essay about yourself that tells us how you will help the University to carry out its mission:

To promote learning in the Jesuit Catholic tradition so that students acquire the knowledge, skills, values and sensitivities they need to succeed as persons, professionals and architects of a more humane and just world

ESSAY:

On October 17, 2007 the man who had been the father-figure in my life was admitted into the hospital. His long battle against leukemia came to an end two weeks later; a day that no one could ever truly be prepared for. Little did I know that this saddening experience would later aid me in my decision of becoming an oncology nurse.

Prior to my stepfather's passing I had began pursuing a career to become a pharmacist, being that I had already received my pharmacy technician license. However, I eventually came to dismiss this dream entirely after struggling with the required advanced chemistry courses. After reevaluating my qualities and values, I realized that my true passion is in becoming a nurse. I began to reflect on the day when my stepfather was diagnosed with cancer and how I assumed the role of being his caretaker. I thought about how caring and compassionate the nurses were to him and the rest of the family as well. At this point, I experienced a rush of excitement and anxiousness, as I still do every time I speak of nursing. I immediately began taking the required courses for becoming a nurse and have done extremely well in all of them. My decision to specifically become an oncology nurse is due to the lost of my step-father who continues to be my inspiration and hatred of cancer. I am aware that nursing can be a challenging yet rewarding career; I look forward to both.

As a candidate for the University of San Francisco's nursing program I can contribute my ability of being sensitive to the needs of others and joy of advocating for the underserved, disadvantaged, and the poor. I strongly believe in giving back to the community, not monetarily but emotionally. Two days out of the week is dedicated in spending time with my old neighbor and caring for him when his caregiver is not available. He has been suffering from Multiple Sclerosis for the past 5 years, and is the most joyous person I know. I would like to think that I contribute to his happiness to some extent. My relationship with David began in an unusual way. I would always walk pass his apartment and see him sitting in his wheelchair staring out his window. I had no idea who this guy was or what his story was, but I would always wave at him and he we wave back; that was the gist of our relationship. One day as I was walking past his apartment, I raised my hand in an attempt to wave at him and I noticed that he was hunched over in his wheelchair as if he were reaching for something on the floor. As I approached his window and looked inside, I saw him lying there in a pool of vomit and his face was as red as the morning sun. I immediately rushed into his apartment and lifted him up and cleaned him. He explained to me that he was lying there for about two hours, and that his caregiver should had been there hours ago. Since that day I have taken it upon myself to ensure that this will never happen again by making weekly visits to see him. David says that this was the day I saved his life, and as I nurse I want to help save other lives as well.

After a campus visit and becoming more knowledgeable of the University of San Francisco's missions and values, I am certain that this is the only university for me. The university's values are no different than my own. Obtaining a high-quality education is a top priority, second to my daughter. I continuously strive for the Magis to become an intelligent individual who will do my part as a citizen and educate the diverse society of today's world. My open-minded attitude combined with an eagerness to learn will allow me to absorb the knowledge and leadership skills offered by USF, to ensure that our role and mission in the society is felt throughout the world for generations to come. The values that I share with the university are instilled in my daughter daily in hopes of her one day flourishing to become a humanitarian and continuing the promotion of justice. As a nursing student of USF I will bring my professional knowledge of medication, life experiences, caring spirit and my enthusiastic out-going personality that always keeps professors delighted to teach. I know there are a number of good nurses but I strive to be an exceptional nurse by providing services in other countries and one day taking part in discovering a cure against the disease that took my biggest fan away; cancer.

Hello, I like your essay and I can tell that you have a passion to become a nurse due to your personal experience, which I am deeply sorry about. Here are a few things I noticed:

" However, I eventually came to dismiss this dream entirely after struggling with the required advanced chemistry courses." ---
I think this might actually be a turn off to some schools, you want to demonstrate the ability to take on any courses, they might feel that you might also give up on the degree due to its rigor. Replace this with a more subtle justification that will reflect your skill set.

best of luck
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