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"A sanctuary for the pursuit of science"; Why Carnegie Mellon? Research


yosh503037 12 / 22 2  
Sep 13, 2013   #1
Please give any feedback you may have, negative or positive, about the essay! If you want for me to read over your essays, please, just let me know, and I will be on it. Thanks!

The lure of the campus and location of Carnegie Mellon has certainly been a factor for locking it in my sights, yet the people occupying this campus has been the primary aspect in my decision. From the nanoscale quantum electrical systems and transistors studied by Dr. Davidson to the autonomous robots being investigated by Dr. Simmons, the widespread research specialties of the university is compelling, as I wish to pursue studies in the colleges of Computer Science and Electrical Engineering at Carnegie Mellon. Having conducted research on autism and nuclear fusion in the past, I am fascinated by nature and all that modern society has created. Both "worlds" are complex systems, which I believe contain a symmetry and beauty best described, simplified and understood through the lenses of physics and applied maths. These subjects' descriptive, computational approaches to problem solving in "any world" have, and will, offer me the tools to do what I already love doing, finding connections between seemingly disparate frames of reference, and then navigating the shortest path(s) between the frames. Carnegie Mellon recognizes and even encourages the flexible, cross-disciplinary approach each field espouses, through its Innovations Laboratory, which makes Carnegie Mellon very appealing to me. This unique approach to research, combining fields such as networking, network security, and wireless communication, opens routes of research that are unavailable in a more traditional, restricted path of research.

Much of the inspiration for research at Carnegie Mellon is derived from its core curriculum, whose pieces meld together into a program that guides students in the proper direction, yet provides them with freedom in developing the path for exploration, such as Professor Davidson's course "Nonlinear Dynamics, Chaos, and Control" and Professor Simmons' course "Human-Robot Interaction", which explore unconventional concepts in colleges. Being in such classes with a diverse community, whose vitality is unmatched in pursuing both educational and artistic endeavors, forms an environment both stimulating and catered to development.

Immersed in an environment in which the student population has similar interests with me would be stimulating in compelling me to progress further in research while also providing opportunities to interact with others to see perspectives on subject matters that I may have never considered in the past. On the other hand, the diverse student population would broaden my horizon to explore further regimes of science and studies, for I could venture into fields that I may never have considered to pursue.

Traversing across the Carnegie Mellon campus, the students buzzing about the new wireless systems developed in the Carnegie Mellon Innovations Laboratory, music emanating from all directions around me, lights flashing from The Pausch Memorial Bridge: I absorb it all in. Thinking of all the opportunities available with such a vibrant campus, students, and faculty, the possibilities are endless, yet that is just what I desire. Being lost about which direction to pursue, yet continuing to trek forward in such a pursuit: such is the opportunity imbued in Carnegie Mellon. Sailing off into the sea of exploration on the trusty USS Carnegie Mellon ship, the possibilities for discovery are endless, yet they may right over the horizon when given a slight nudge in the right direction.
aps456 1 / 1  
Sep 23, 2013   #2
Truly an awesome essay. You touched on many aspects of the University, which gives a reader who knows hardly anything about it, a very good visual. It is clear that you have a true love for the campus and program. I don't have any constructive suggestions although I wish I could help in some way, but I know a positive comment is always nice.

If you have a moment please take a look at my essay as well. Thanks!
deathstroke 2 / 11 1  
Sep 27, 2013   #3
I think you do a fantastic job being specific to Carnegie Mellon -- at first glance it seemed as though your essay was just copy/pasted and renamed so Carnegie Mellon would fit in, but once I read your first body paragraph, it was clear that you genuinely wrote this essay.

My critique is I would try to re-organize the content -- for example, you mention that you like the people at Carnegie Mellon in one paragraph, and mention some names, but the paragraph doesn't follow up on that as much, and transitions into other ideas (so the notion in the first sentence of that block is confusing). Another thing is I would try to have a better sense of sentence fluency -- most sentences are long and very wordy, and it's hard for me (someone who reads and writes a lot of articles) to keep up with what you're saying. I'd try to be concise when you can and stay elaborate when necessary.

If you could look at my most recent thread (trying to transfer), that'd be great!


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