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Santa Clause-Somebody That Influenced Me a Lot


mikeehnow 3 / 30  
Dec 27, 2010   #1
Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you and explain that influence.

I want to make this as long as possible, but so far I only have 292 words. I'd like it to go up to at least 350.


Santa Claus is more of a concept than an idea for me.

The world was a terrible place in my opinion. Back in the winter of 2006, when I was in third grade, I saw things as they were: disasters. Some were unavoidable, natural disasters like the drought in Minnesota. But a lot of them were caused by people, like how Senator Harry Reid took briberies. These horrible things that happened in the world disheartened me. We studied a bit about interesting and good things that were happening, like Yunnus's Nobel Peace Prize for lending out money to poor people, but none could help me be optimistic. I wanted the world to be a better place, but the way things were going, I just couldn't believe it.

And that's when I met Jolly ol' Saint Nick.

My friend said to me that she had received an Aeropostale shirt from Santa Claus. I was familiar with Santa, of course. He is the mystical being that brings gifts to the nice little children. I just could not believe that someone could actually travel the world in one night. Maybe Santa had a Time-Turner like Hermione from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Anyways, she told me of how she went to the mall and asked Santa for the shirt- and received it on Christmas. As I listened, I felt sorry for the old man who traveled the world without breaks at that age. Maybe he is more than what people give credit to. He does not just bring presents, he brings morale and hope to little children. Because of him, many children try to behave, and make themselves into better people. I thought that maybe, just maybe, that if people were more like Santa Claus (a good role model and the epitome of virtue), the world could become a better place.

That is just what I think the people need: a good role model, someone who could lead us morally. We need someone who truly cares about people and working towards the greater good. However, when I researched Santa Claus on the internet, I was disappointed to find that he was not real. I stared out the window. How sad everything seemed again. I watched as the neighbors across the street set up the wooden Santa that said, "Share the Holiday Spirit!" Then, I realized how stupid I had been. Santa Claus is real- but he's not a person. He's the jingle of coins whenever somebody gives spare change to the poor. He's alive in the waving man, Mel Hartman, and basically everyone as they go around making others happy. Santa isn't a person who gives and shares; he is giving and sharing.

In case you are wondering, no, I do not want to become Santa Claus. Actually, I do better than him. I plan on making my generation the best yet along with other individuals who have a sense of ethics. I believe in the future. I believe that we could change.

mariatateno 6 / 35  
Dec 28, 2010   #2
It's a great idea, very cute. I think you could further develop the conclusion to make it stronger.
Please have a look at mine
MirayPhilips 5 / 37  
Dec 28, 2010   #3
How come you were in third grade back in 2006? Doesn't that mean you're in 7th grade now? How is this undergraduate admissions? Sorry if I missed something out, I just got confused..
OP mikeehnow 3 / 30  
Dec 28, 2010   #4
I'm planning on early college :)
happygolucky 1 / 10  
Dec 28, 2010   #5
Wow, early college as an eighth grader?
whitney 21 / 38  
Dec 28, 2010   #6
Your idea in this essay is great but you need to talk more deeply. The society makes you unhappy but in the end you said "He's the jingle of coins whenever somebody gives spare change to the poor. He's alive in the waving man, Mel Hartman, and basically everyone as they go around making others happy". So you can write about the factor which can change the society.Probably you can write like this:

FEELING HOPELESS FOR THE GOVENMENT(you have written)
Santa Clauses MAKES YOU TO FIND NICE PEOPLE IN THE WOLD (you wrote but need to clarify)
PRESENT YOUR BELIEF THAT THE WORLD CAN BE BETTER BECAUSE OF THE NICE PEOPLE(you can write about your strong belief, what people can do to change the society and your ambition to be one of the Santa Clauses and so on)

May I can help you.
p.s.Thanks for your looking at my eaasay. Your suggestion is very helpful and I know my weakness is confusing readers but I am trying to fix it. You said I had better to focus on one example but I just want to list three cases when people may lie. And I added sentences following each example so that the eaxmples are all serving for the topic. I wish you can read it again.
OP mikeehnow 3 / 30  
Dec 29, 2010   #7
Revised Version: Please help me with the ending.

In case you are wondering, no, I do not want to become Santa Claus. Actually, I do better than him. I plan on making my generation the best yet along withother individuals who have a sense(Could a sense of ethics be plural?) of ethics. I believe in the future. I believe that we could change.

Wordcount: 502 (the prompt said it had to be about 500.)
writerblock 3 / 14  
Dec 31, 2010   #8
The essay flows well. I am not a fan of the santa claus thing, but since that is the direction you took, i guess go with it. One word choice, and the last sentences were awkward. I can't really write it for you but I gave some suggestions.

briberies bribes

Actually, I will do better than him . I plan on making my generation the best extraordinary yet along with other individuals who have a sense (Could a sense of ethics be plural?) of strong ethics and leadership. I believe in the future. that we could change in .

change what? future, we all change future by doing something in the present (no pun).

I think since you have this idea of believing in fairy tales, which I am not so sure it is cute, the end of your essay should have some kind of "change" and that should end at: I believe in the future...or I believe in possibilities.

The believe in Change thing is already being used and misused. positive and negative.
instead of I believe that we could change....very awkward.
question is: what do you really believe. and then state what you believe. emphasize it if need be.
tdd


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