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kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 24, 2011   #1
Question: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences.

Am I answering this question properly? Are there any unnecessary parts in my essay?( my essay has 1087 character despite its word limit is 1000 character ) I appreciate any comments about my essay! Thank you for spending your time on reading!

"Satori through Fishing"

The winter air seems to segregate the worlds and bring a chilly and bright edge to life. Once I put a notched lugworm on the hook, everything becomes so calm. It is oh so quiet. The everyday life I belonged to is on the other side of the world so far away. While fishing, I can find myself making harmony with my surroundings; gentle sounds of waves, glittering surface of the sea, and cozy warmth of the sun. There is no separation between the nature and me. What am I thinking in such a sweet yet desolate moment? ;maybe, nothing. Although I know I can also enjoy interpreting these surroundings as natural lows of physics or something, I just forget myself and put it into the flow of the nature. ;or, I might even dive into the profound depth of the world. There, every parts of life seems to get into a whole figure, and shows its function as if the sun begins to rise, and vividly illuminates the color and shape of each houses' roof. Every time the sky almost gets its lightness, my rod hooks something and trembles. Then, I return to the everyday life with the halfway epiphany.(1087 character)
priscillaaa 1 / 29  
Dec 24, 2011   #2
surroundings; gentle sounds of waves, glittering surface of the sea, and cozy warmth of the sun.

an independent clause must always follow a semicolon (;

I love love love your tone in this! It's almost poetic..
I wish I could offer you things to cut out, but I feel like it's all necessary :P

I would appreciate if you could critique my essay as well..thanks (:
OP kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 24, 2011   #3
Thank you for an useful tip haha (:
I'm really really glad to hear that! Though it is a bit problem for me to cut it down fairly...
Anyway, I'd like to read your essay as well! Thanks.
Sagar_Patel12 3 / 6  
Dec 24, 2011   #4
Hello :)

IF needed you may place your extracurricular activities essay in the part "additional information" portion of the common app. This allows you to go above the given word limit, but I wouldn't suggest going 100 words beyond the maximum limit. I am positive that an admissions representative will not mind a few words extra in your essay. Just make sure to indicate in the please elaborate section that you've placed your essay in the "additional information" portion.

Good luck. Fishing was one of my BIGGEST childhood pastimes and I hope to go back into it someday. And remember you MAY go past the character limit. :)
OP kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 26, 2011   #5
Hi Sagar_Patel12!
Thank you very much for your precise revision!!! I cannot make any excuses for it. But I have a question; Does my essay provide admission officer with "additional information" properly? I am afraid that my essay does not give much direct information about fishing.. Shoud I change the way I express? Please tell me a bit your opinion. Thank you.

Hi menukagrg!
JUST AWESOME. I really really want to submit your revised essay just as it is to admission hahaha! You did a wonderful work, but made it difficult for me to improve the essay further... Thank you so much!! You made my admission!
Noobzilla 3 / 22  
Dec 26, 2011   #6
WELL, for the most part its good, but where is the YOU in it !?! like the admissions committee don't want to know how it feels to go fishing, they want to know about YOU...the essay is just a medium to finding out about YOU...get it!?
glamazing 4 / 11  
Dec 26, 2011   #7
Kotaro, your essay is really quite beautifully written; especially with all the edits, I think it sounds really good. However, you MUST focus on yourself in it and how it has an impact on you. Consider saying something else you think about while waiting for the bait other than saying you don't think of anything? Something like how it gives you time to appreciate the beauty of nature which is why you enjoy it as an activity, and that over the years you developed through it in your powers of appreciation? Just a thought! But like I said before, truly beautifully written, I loved reading it!

By the way; any comments on my new extra curricular essay? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Best of luck with your applications!
menukagrg 7 / 98  
Dec 26, 2011   #8
I am glad you liked it. :)

I understand what others are trying to say with focusing-on-you part but i guess appreciation of nature, or the extent of emotions during fishing could be enough to show your personality. But i really do see why others might think it's not enough. Personally, i like these types of mellow essays.

Feel free to make edits and i will try to help further.
mukhia08 7 / 22  
Dec 27, 2011   #9
i think you have answered the main parts of the essay, however i agree with "noobzilla" because i cant quite understand how you fit in with your chosen extra activity, so id recommend trying to incorporate that into your essay. i think firstly the tone is amazing and the general flow of the essay is remarkable too.

Good luck!!

Please also read my essays, any help would be so much appreciated :)
OP kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 28, 2011   #10
To critics: I had been waiting for such criticisms, so your points were absolutely helpful!!! I was able to improve my essay further!! Thanks a lot!!!!!!

To menukagrg: You might have no idea how I felt glad to hear your support.. I cannot thank you more!! By the way, I did improved my essay further from your revised version hahaha (;

I've just come to an epiphany like what I mentioned in my essay haha!

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