Hi, This is my first ever post, so if i do something wrong, forgive me.
I chose the first topic to write about (the significant experience and its influence on me).
Any suggestions/revisions are appreciated!!!!!! Thanks
I saw a baby die. Right there, in front of me, that tiny girl died. Doctors hovered around her. The pulsating green line on the monitor went flat. She was dead. She was gone.
For days, her death bothered me. It was completely random in my otherwise stable and hardship-free life. I knew her death was inevitable, whether in twenty, fifty, or one hundred years, and so, what did it matter if she left the world a bit sooner than others? Yet, I felt bummed. I could not figure out why. I did not even know her. She was as important to me as any stranger I had seen walk down a street. Why, then? Why did her death make me feel different than the death of those close to me?
I was confused. I became curious and thought about why the incident disturbed me. Sure, it upset me that the baby lived for a short time. But, really, what did she miss out on? The world was filled with chaos and problems, as it was. In some ways, it was her good fortune that she did not have to witness terrible events. I seemed to lose sight, however, of the fact that the world did have some things to offer that were great. After all, the baby only saw the four walls of a hospital room. She had not even experienced happiness (to delete???). She was deprived of a chance at life, of a chance to experience the same things I had. That thought struck me hard. I had gone through life, with its ups and downs, absorbing a mass of memories. I remembered my family's Thanksgiving dinners. The laughter brightened my spirits, and my uncle's engaging and far--fetched stories always highlighted these gatherings. I remembered my father teaching me how to catch a baseball: glove out and palm open. I bonded with my dad in an irreplaceable way. I remembered planting a garden for the first time and observing how nature ran its course. I appreciated life. I appreciated my experiences. I knew then why her death bothered me. I had a journey through life. She did not. She did not have an identity. She did not even truly live.
The infant's unexpected death made me understand that life was not all that it seemed. I knew that in such an unpredictable world, everything I took for granted may disappear the next second. I needed to make the most of every opportunity because the outcomes of all my decisions were unknown. Consequences could be fatal and unforeseen. Dedication to a goal was necessary because if I did not persevere, abrupt occurrences could make me falter. I now knew that reaching new academic heights would allow me to make use of those opportunities and take charge of my life.
Forming lasting memories of new people and new experiences became a priority. No more ignoring what seemed to be trivial. I knew it was time to look at my world, at my surroundings, at everything I had been through in my life, and recognize their importance to me. Life was now about appreciation and being able to obtain happiness because, as that baby showed, that happiness could suddenly be squandered.
I realized that to increase such joy in the world, I needed to live a useful life. I wanted to fight for that baby and others like her. True, strangers may not have meant much to me, but they deserved a life to live and love. I wanted to stop the randomness. I wanted to share the stability I had always taken for granted. My fight was necessary. Yes, I may fail. But, it did not matter. I could not disregard others. I believed education and ambition were important steps in becoming active in civic service to prevent these sorrows. Only through my ambition could I achieve my purpose. Now I know that the world and events may be random but my efforts and focus need not be. Life is too short for such a waste.
so, what did it matter if she left the world a bit sooner than others? Yet, I felt bummed.
I don't think 'bummed' is the right word here. Too slangy.
The essay is good. I'd recommend reading it out loud just to see what it sounds like. You can get a better sense of it that way sometimes.
Hi muffinman,
The first three paragraphs seized my attention. I like your story. But, why were you present when the baby died? Can you briefly mention what caused the baby's death? Were the parents of the baby around also? The baby cannot feel his/her sorrow, his/her impending doom, but what about her parents? They must be devastated, especially the mother. You may consider adding these into your plot since you talked about your family, your dad and uncle.
I think you started to mix up tenses from the fourth paragraph onwards.
The infant's unexpected death made me understand that life was not all that it seemed. I knew that in such an unpredictable world, everything I took for granted may disappear the next second. I neededneed to make the most of every opportunity because the outcomes of all my decisions wereare unknown. Consequences couldcan be fatal and unforeseen. Dedication to a goal wasis necessary because if I diddo not persevere, abrupt occurrences couldcan make me falter. I now knewSo do you know it now or you knew it before that? that reaching new academic heights wouldwill allow me to make use of those opportunities and take charge of my life.
Forming lasting memories of new people and new experiences became amy priority. No more ignoring what seemed to be trivial.This sentence lacks a subject. I knewknow it wasis time to look at my world, at my surroundings, at everything I had been through in my life, and recognize their importance to me. Life wasis now about appreciation and being able to obtain happiness because, as that baby showed, that happiness could suddenly be squandered The baby didn't waste it. Rather it was unfairly taken away from her. The baby didn't have a choice.
There are also some tense errors in your last paragraph.
Life is too short for such a waste. - This is obvious to everyone. A generalisation at the ending will erode the personal voice in your essay.
Alright, thanks a lot. I'll think about how to incorporate the parents and their feelings. The essay is already a bit long (670 words or so), so where do you think I should add that?
Also, qyuio, you mentioned that you liked the first three paras. how about the last three paras? In terms of impact and whatnot?
