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'I saw Duke University in the top ten' - TRINITY SUPPLEMENTAL


collegesearcher 3 / 20  
Dec 13, 2011   #1
Prompt: Please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

I felt that my essay looks like I have inadvertently abused my thesaurus and that it is slightly generic. However, I can't think of any way to remove that and maintain the effect. Can there be a better and more potent way to end this? All suggestions and critique are welcome :)

Wading through some 50+ US colleges that featured on the US News website, I felt despondent. With tears of anger and frustration I saw Duke University in the top ten. "Sounds familiar", I thought to myself as I clicked on the link, only to fall through the rabbit hole straight to Wonderland, where everything is possible.

Coming across Duke University incited the childish feeling of fitting the last piece of a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle; this is it. The lush green campus and picturesque Gothic buildings, the city of Durham with its unpretentious suburban culture, the smiling faces of the students and the faculty, and most of all the brilliant and positive take for the development of tomorrow's leaders really made me feel like I have found my niche. This feeling was empowered strongly when I read about the variety of topics that research was conducted on. The prominence of research work at Duke University was obvious when I came across several articles on different websites and journals about the breakthroughs made by the faculty and students at Duke University on an almost daily basis. A deep-rooted desire for answers to just about every question that may pop in my head made me deeply appreciative of the emphasis that Duke placed on developing today's solutions to yesterday's problems, to make a better tomorrow. To conduct progress, not for the sake of progress, but for the meaningful purpose of enhanced education and stronger, increasingly polymathic people in the next generation is an educational philosophy at Duke, clearly embodied in its stress on interdisciplinary courses. Duke University clearly mentions in its website that it requires students who are curious, funny, enthusiastic and stubbornly resilient about their cause. I appreciate, propound and revere that. I have craved for a place where I am stimulated to grow in every way, where I can open my mind and not be afraid of crossing manmade boundaries, where I can really push myself beyond "the limit" and let myself be. And I believe Duke can be all that, and much more.
nickrpeterson - / 2  
Dec 13, 2011   #2
You are going to need some formatting help with this essay. You have really good examples of how Duke attracts you. Make sure that if the instructions given ask you to limit your response to one or more paragraphs, then don't go over two paragraphs.
OP collegesearcher 3 / 20  
Dec 13, 2011   #3
Yes the instructions on the prompt ask me to make sure all of it fits in one page, so I emailed the Undergraduate Admissions Office at Duke and asked them for an exact word limit, but the reply said that I should try and keep it to two paragraphs at most, so.

Please help me with the formatting! Are there grammatical errors that I need to correct? Style that I need to improve? Content that can be written more effectively/directly/creatively/differently?

Thank you so much! :)
Dii 6 / 24  
Dec 14, 2011   #4
To conduct progress, not for the sake of progress, but for the meaningful purpose of enhanced education and stronger, increasingly polymathic people in the next generation is an educational philosophy at Duke, clearly embodied in its stress on interdisciplinary courses.

I had a hard time reading this sentence. Break it down and make it clearer.
jackhags69 1 / 5  
Dec 14, 2011   #5
I love the intro and the the process of finding duke! very clever and unique. and i agree with Dii about that one sentence. I was also a little tripped up by this phrase, "...tomorrow's leaders really made me feel like I have found my niche" Maybe you could say, made me feel like i had found my niche? just the made and have seem to disagree. other than that the grammar seems flawless... and i don't have a clear suggestion on how to keep your unique style through the end of the piece... maybe re entering a little piece about duke being "your wonderland" just while summing it up as you have? i have no idea. I feel like the whole second half is great, but needs a little sprinkle of the creativity in the first half. Sorry to be sporadic, I'm just trying to think of improvements! either way, its a solid essay and would definitely stand out even as is. Nice work
arbrelibre 5 / 27  
Dec 20, 2011   #6
I like your essay, but I'd suggest omitting some cliches. For example, "fitting the last piece of a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle"; this particular phrase doesn't do anything for your essay.

Other than that, I like your essay. It's important to weed out the cliches because it makes your writing that much more unique. You have to think about the caliber of applications that Duke receives each year-- cliches are something that admissions officers aren't going to miss.

You might get other people telling you to do differently, but that's just what I'd do if I was applying to Duke.

Good luck :D


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