"I saw how more reliable and cheaper technology could help..."UC prompt #1

Prompt: What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

All throughout my life I have been taught to show appreciation for all I am privileged to have in America. As my parents were both born and raised in Kenya, I was taught that the food on the table and the healthcare we all have is something that shouldn't be taken for granted. Growing up where everyone I was surrounded by also had the same privileges made it much harder for my adolescent mind to grasp. Because I had never seen what it was like to live without these freedoms and opportunities, I was naïve to the world around me. This all changed when I spent a summer living in Kenya. I saw the effects of poor medical conditions and devices first hand.

Upon my return, I immediately signed up for volunteer work at Valley care hospital. The first thing I noticed was the sheer amount of technology being used in the hospitals. From CAT scans to MRI's, doctors and patients put all their faith in these machines. Without them the quality of service provided would have been much lower. Day in and day out, patients would get the result of some test which was a defining moment in their life. I started reflecting upon this and realized for the first time that I wanted to play some role in the development of medical devices.

In my junior year of high school, my grandmother passed away due to cancer. This was due largely in part because she was living in a third world country at the time. Her hospital didn't have the proper equipment to detect the problem (a working CAT scanner), and the doctors there misdiagnosed her. When she finally came to the US to get re diagnosed it was too late. I saw firsthand how more reliable and cheaper technology could bring much needed medical help to countries that cannot currently afford it. I knew I wanted to be involved in making this change occur.

Since then, I have brought this enthusiasm in the field to school. I joined a chemistry research group whose main goal is to find a way to put 2 germanium atoms and one nitrogen atom in a ball of 70 carbons. If achieved, this has the potential to greatly improve the quality of MRI, while being completely safe. I'm glad that I have clarity in what I want to do with my career. More importantly however, I have a chance to participate in making a difference in a field that has interested me since childhood.

I tried structuring my essay around this idea:How did my hospital and other medical experiences shape my perspective on the medical field and how do I want to participate in shaping that process in the future?

I'm not sure if i convey it thoroughly. Thanks for your feedback!

Your essay forum title drew me to read it - how more reliable and cheaper technology could improve medical help in third world countries ..."

I thought "What a great subject and combination for a major"" But then I didn't really get the answer (of your intended major) until almost the end of the essay. It is important to answer the prompt from the first sentence to better focus the reader on where you are going and makes it easier to follow your examples. Only by the time I got to the example of the CAT scans could I conclude that you were interested in medical equipment technology, but then you said work in "biological sciences" is appealing.

I think it would make the essay more focused (and powerful) if you could specify if you were more interested in medical technology or medical care.

For your closing example - what is "carbon fullerenes" please explain. And who is the WE you refer to below (in red:)

I changed some of the ambiguities around, but I couldn't really find a way to introduce my major in the first paragraph.

Thanks for the help!