My essay is on my love of poetry and how writing has helped me to grow as a person... I have been working on this essay for weeks and the school I want to submit it to has a deadline for this October 1st! Please give VERY descriptive feedback as to what specifically I should change, perhaps some areas I could omit and make more concise. Specifically, I am having a very hard time with the ending of my essay. I think right now, the ending sounds very weak and could be MUCH stronger and more powerful, but I don't know how to make it leave an impact... Also, any suggestions for a stronger title would be appreciated!!! Thank you for your input!!!! :)
A Poet's Quest
"Say cheese!" The flash of the camera blinded my squinting eyes as I shifted awkwardly, trying
to conjure up a smile. Standing on the curb outside Seattle's Key Arena, I was one of 1,500
identically dressed teenagers in a cap and long, forest green gown. Ever since my first day of
high school, I had eagerly anticipated my graduation as the one milestone moment that would
mark my initiation into life as an 'adult.'
But as I stood there having walked the stage and received my diploma, I found myself anxious,
nostalgic, and at a loss of words as to why.
It is a writer's task to communicate the indescribable. As a poet, writing is how I capture life
and seek to find myself. Pablo Neruda once said, "Someday, somewhere- anywhere, unfailingly,
you'll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life."
Sometimes, the use of a pen and paper is the only way I can truly speak my mind. Unlike
Pablo Neruda, I have yet to live the hour in which I have completely discovered myself. But on
that day, I felt a time both one of the happiest and most bittersweet I had ever known.
My graduation marked the end of my childhood as I knew it and I had begun a new season.
Looking back, I know now that the sorrow I had felt emanated not from a desire to
relive those days, but rather from a sudden consciousness that time is fleeting and I have but one
life to live.
Like life, poetry is a journey of both experiences and recollections. It is a process of taking
reality and merging it into a style of expression that allows passion to flow in its purest form.
Here, my mind and soul converge to share knowledge gained and move to translate my thoughts
into a universal language.
The process of writing poetry has challenged me. As a growing poet, I am continually taught to value
new-found knowledge with a childlike faith. I learn to take my experiences - joy, laughter, pleasures,
and pain and share my unique perspective on life with others. It is when my pen meets the paper
that my mind finds its words and like an infant with no familiarity with the world, I begin to truly
learn. Persistence and revision are the poet's lessons from life. Through these teachers, I have
been imparted with patience and self-discipline. I have learned to relinquish my fear of exposure
and vulnerability. When I share my poetry, I share more than just words. I am passing my
emotions and heart into the hands of another, and as a result growing from their wisdom and
guidance.
I suppose you can say that words are shaping me. Now, I feel no worry or need for guarantee. I am
living to enjoy the unexpected, unwritten poetry in life. It does not matter to me that right now I do not
understand it all.
For I know that "Someday, somewhere, unfailingly" I will live the hour in which I will find myself.
As I was reading through your essay, I realized that you have really well-developed writing skills. Grammar is not my field of expertise, so I wouldn't be much help there, but can you include the prompt so I can help you take a futher look at how well your essay is answering the prompt, and perhaps help you develop a stronger conclusion =).
Thanks for your comment! I will review your essay as well... The problem I've been having is, this is for the "Topic of your choice" Section on the common app...So it isn't a specific prompt I can answer...I've just been having a really hard time making the ending strong though...
I actually loved your ending in regards to your comment. I also think as a Topic of Your Choice, this was a great subject to write about as poetry is obviously a huge asset to you as a person, and in your life. You are a great write with excellent grammar, and this essay just flows so well. Please review my common app essay... I trust your writing skills after reading this!
Danielle,
Made a quick title change to something less generic, helps your post stand out more.
Let me just say first that this is very well written and I love how descriptive you are with your writing, It really helps put the reader there in the situation you're describing.
I don't see any issues with spelling or grammar on a first read through so I would focus mostly on looking at where you could re-structure things a bit or omit some unnecessary content. just a few minor things (and i do mean minor)...
"I was one of 1,500 identically dressed teenagers in a cap and long, forest green gown"- I was one of 1500 teenagers dressed in caps and long forest green gowns. (just a simple restructure)
"I felt a time" was that meant to be "I felt AT THAT time"? that one stood out to me, not sure about it.
Again, just some minor things. Also, I liked where you talked about your passion for poetry, nice to see so much ambition.
Hope this helps.
Thank you Cayley and Susan for your comments!
I didn't realize that some of the passages you mentioned above sounded a little awkward, so I will revise them... those were very helpful points. :)
Danielle,
Overall, your grammar is flawless and the content of your essay reflects deep and well depicted thoughts. I read over your ending several times, and I felt like you kind of lost the flow toward the conclusion. The second to last paragraph demonstrated really conhesive structure, and made readers feel involved. (at least that's what I felt when I read "I am passing my
emotions and heart into the hands of another, and as a result growing from their wisdom and guidance." ) But the lines following that wrapped up your thoughts focusing specificly on you , only. And I beleive this to be unnecceary becaue you have been sharing your thoughts all along , and sharing it with your readers as a matter of fact. I think it will be at best to conclude with the "I am passing my emotions and heart into the hands of another, and as a result growing from their wisdom and guidance." and leave the readers with some room to reflect on their interaction with your writing and feel your emotions.
Hope this helped,
Meng
