Hi, this is the first draft of my personal statement for prompt for UC transfers. I'm trying to transfer from UC Davis to UC Berkeley. Let me know what you think!
Prompt #1 (transfer applicants)
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment,
participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your
involvement.
In America, when asked where I am from, I say China. But in China, when asked where I am from, I say America. Due to my Asian complexion, I remain apart from the white Anglo-Saxon Protestant dominated society in America, and despite my Asian complexion, I am categorized with white Anglo-Saxon Protestants as "laowai's" in China. I have lived my life straddling two cultures on opposite sides of the world, but I can pull them together with my intended major in English, which is a strong platform for a career in International Business Law. I am empowered by my professional, cultural, and individual experiences gained through my internship at China Daily to actively pursue a career that contributes to the development of a healthy globalized world-one that would allow me to embrace both my American nationality and my Chinese heritage in a process to make the best from every country available to all.
With interest in English and a future career abroad, this past summer I interned at China Daily's website division, the online voice of the most prominent English newspaper in China, and there I acquired invaluable skills and knowledge in multiple fronts. My duties consisted of proofreading articles to working with the international department to negotiate agreements with the British and Canadian embassies. Our aim was for the embassies to open blogs on the China Daily website, a mutually beneficial exchange, as the embassies would be able to promote their countries to a wider audience through the translations done by China Daily's bilingual staff, while representing foreign embassies would bring more readers to the China Daily website. Increased traffic to the website would help establish its validity in the eyes of its self-obsessed mother company, the China Daily newspaper, whose livelihood is endangered by the decline in newspaper readers. I gained more than a list to write in my resume, I saw and experienced globalization at its finest-the intermingling of cultures through technological advances in communication, and long-established methods of communication becoming obsolete.
Interning was not merely a job experience; I immersed myself in a culture both foreign and native to me. Dumplings and rice were familiar, but the iron fist with which the Chinese government controls the flow of information within its borders, the farmers pulling their carts of fruits through the jumble of taxis and BMWs, and the children who kneel around your taxi with their hands outstretched when the car stops are nothing short of unacceptable. Yet I am neither disapproving nor dismayed. Instead, I am very hopeful for not only China's future, but also that of all other developing countries. The emergence of iPhones and touchscreen advertisements in taxicabs signal a growing middle class and promise a better quality of life for a greater population, granting more people the leisure of contemplating social and political issues instead of struggling to survive. With the economy rocketing upward, the government will do likewise, and International Business Law is my chance to play a key role in this process.
Whether I end up signing merger contracts or representing a company as their corporate attorney, I will be spreading business into countries inhabited by people living marginal lives, and by improving their economy, their lives will consequentially improve as well. The ease by which goods and information are exchanged around the world allows ideas and cultures to connect, and I need to be a part of this process, because it mirrors my dual-cultural identity. A career in International Business Law requiring multi-cultural knowledge and experience will close the Pacific gap, and allow me to stand firmly in two interrelated cultures, and walk forward into an unbordered and unbounded future.
my intended major in English, which is a strong platform for a career in International Business Law
Is that really true? Has someone who actually knows advised you that English is a good major to choose if you want to go on to law school with the aim of studying international law? Please obtain truly expert advice about this.
Your work with China Daily is much more relevant to your intended major than your hope of ultimately studying law, so I would put that first.
As would be expected from someone who has interned as a proofreader, your writing is very strong and correct. Since you are capable of writing so vividly, I'd like to see you think about coming up with a stronger, more vivid, lead.
Good overall. A couple of minor things:
one that would allow me to embrace both my American nationality and my Chinese heritage in a process to make the best from every country available to all.
Every country? I see references to two, here. So, maybe, "both countries"?
Yet I am neither disapproving nor dismayed
Oh dear. So you are, at best, apathetic and unconcerned, or at worst approving, of iron-fisted dictatorships and a social system that produces starving children? I don't think you mean this. It is one thing to say that you are hopeful in spite of these things, quite another to imply approval of them.
