My essay for the common app supplement. Any sort of help would be greatly appreciated, thank you!
"WHAT I WANT TO SAY"
We had all gathered in the chorus room, the smell of hairspray and the sound of excitement filled the air. Around me a sea of color, as my fellow castmates dressed in a 1950's fashion. Our director then walked in, and everyone cheered as he happily announced we had made it to closing night. This long journey coming to an end. But unlike other shows I've been in, this closing night was different. For the spring musical didn't only mark the end of another successful year, but tonight would be the final bow for graduating seniors. Because of this, our director had allowed them to say a few final words. A tradition repeated every year and will continue for years to come.
Getting to my spot for the show, I couldn't help but ask myself, "What am I going to say?" A question that would continue to follow me for the next three years of my life. At first, I thought about going over happy memories. To go on about how nice and accepting everyone was, and that I'm going to miss each and every one of them. But no matter how I worded it, nothing seemed right. Nothing seemed truly genuine.
I then decided to take a look back to the girl I was. Shy, quiet, isolating herself from those she had desperately wanted to call family. The one who would stand in the corner of the classroom, silently observing. Seemingly invisible to those around her. The one who would think less of herself, almost dropping out of an audition because she thought she wasn't skilled enough. Not worthy enough. Comparing herself to others who seemed to have it all together. Trying to find her place in a club full of seemingly-perfect people. Until someone came up, looked her right in the eye, and very simply said, "Don't worry about the others, who they are, and what they have that you don't. Because all of that doesn't matter."
Something sparked, and I began to feel different. Almost comfortable, as every ounce of tension slowly began releasing itself from my body. My mind slowing down for the first time in years. Feeling like I had just been wandering in pure darkness for the longest time, and someone finally turned on the lights. A quote so simple, so straightforward, was strong enough to bring me back. My name was then called and with a newfound sense of confidence, I went on to give one of the best auditions I've ever given. I began to loosen up, little by little. Opening myself up to others and going on to make some of the closest friends I'll ever have in my lifetime.
So when I think about what I want to say, I think of the person I used to be. Who I was then, and I want to talk to them. I want to tell them to loosen up, which might have seemed impossible to me at the time. However, I truly mean it. The world is going to seem scary at times, feeling like everyone is against you. But at the end of the day, that isn't the case. If anything, you're against yourself. Preventing yourself from taking chances, taking control over your life and doing what you want to do. Too scared to fail, obsessed with the thoughts of others, and willing to morph yourself in whatever way possible. Even if it hurts you.
So when springtime rolls around, and we are all gathered in the chorus room for one last time, I hope to make my final words memorable. To make an impact large enough for something to spark. To have someone walk out of that room with a newfound sense of confidence, and nail that performance.
Michelle,
I was confused in the beginning because I couldn't comprehend the setting/background. Maybe clarify that a bit instead of describing the ambience of the room.
I think the story boils down to how this person gave you confidence, and how you want to do the same thing to others. Kind of like passing it down to the juniors and newcomers.
I also think you should analyze more into depth "why" these words impacted you so much. Why did it give you so much confidence?
I like the theme, and I think this essay could showcase your capability to empathize and be a role model.
