"say curiosity and determination" - Stanford essay: Note to Roommate

Stanford Essay Prompt: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on
campus. Write a note to your roommate that reveals something about you or
that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.

Dear Future Roommate,

What are two words that best describe you? I would say curiosity and
determination define who I am.

I often wonder why certain incidents happen or how certain events can result
in their outcome. Examples of such include the hostility between the Middle
East and the US, and the difference in economical wellbeing of people. I
believe it to be personally rewarding to discover the root of questions at
hand. I must say that I am fascinated by this world. From the politics of
various governments to human-rights issues that we all face; I feel they all
concern me as I affiliate myself as part of the human race.

Being interested in cultural interactions, I am grateful to have resided in Hong
Kong. I am able to see how beautiful Western and Eastern cultures can
complement one another. Privileged to such exposure, I am determined to
contribute my knowledge and experiences in creating a world that respects
cultural diversity.

I believe much of my determination is a result of a feminist attitude. That itself
is perhaps the result of attending an all girls school. I have a strong conviction
that women are every bit as capable as men. Every woman deserves the right
to dream big and accomplish great feats. I aspire to live a life that empowers
and inspires others so that they too can believe in themselves.

I am determined to become who I wanted to be

I eagerly await your response.

Yours truly,
Sharon

i'm not sure if this approach is good or not. Should I sound more friendly? Like, really talking to a friend?

Comments please! Thank you in advance.

Not you, but "me," right? :]


... Or am I misunderstanding the sentence?



I'm a little uneasy about the conclusion though... I don't think you explained very well who you want to be. Overall, the letter is nice, but you can improve it by adding a specific experience or two to support your virtues rather than saying how you view things... Do you sort of understand what I mean? :]

Also, I think you can scratch the last sentence... to me, it feels a little out of place and tone... Maybe you can continue your voice: "I hope to discover the words that describe you." or something like that.

Thank you very much for your comments! They are really helpful. I'll make according revisions! Thank you again.

I am uneasy about that ending, too. I think you can come up with something better.

I like a lot of your ideas, especially curiosity and determination -- a good combination!

Plural and plural, events and outcomes:
or how certain events can result in their outcomes. ...

I feel they all concern me as I affiliate myself as part of the human race.--- this is good, and it shows that you have strong opinions, but add another sentence to make this about curiosity. Tell about what this makes you curious about.

I am determined to contribute my knowledge and experiences in creating a world that respects
cultural diversity.--- Okay, now you should add another sentence to tell what makes you feel determined to influence the world this way.
I like your para about feminism very much!

I think its a great essay, but since its supposed to be a note to your room mate maybe a little less formal tone?
I love the para on feminism, but maybe the para before on culture should be made more personal?
just some suggestions, but it is a good essay

Most of what I was going to say has already been said above, so I will dive right in with the undeserved criticism, all right?

It is very well written, precisely worded and to my thoroughly untrained eye, quite sterile.

I don't get a sense of who you, mythical person, are by reading this essay.
I see a story of a girl who is involved in human rights and political issues, someone who is an ardent feminist, but I don't really know who you are.

I apologize for the overall vagueness of this response, and hope that it can help you in some small way. You seem like an extremely intelligent person, I just think more of you can come out in this essay.

I think the reason Stanford asks to write a note to your roomate is because they want to see a more friendly, and informal part of the students. They don't want you to say what you have done, or what interests you, but things that will matter to someone who will have to live with you for a year. Don't say why you are determinated, just say that your are, if you really want to mention that you're feminist, find another way.

You seem to closed, too up right, you need to loosen up a little with this essay.
I hope this helps =D