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Scary Daydream!!- supplement for Williams : )

christiek 6 / 65  
Nov 8, 2009   #1
Prompt: Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, playing close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

- This is currently 414 words.
- Can you give me feedback on whether this was rather confusing or not? haha, i think it might be, but im not sure. I'm hoping people, especially the college admission people, will probably be able to understand....

-P.S. do you think its okay for me to write about myself looking at an environment in the future, like how i did here??

-Sorry, but last question. For prompts like these, its okay to interpret certain words in broad terms right? Like, for example, there are prompts about diversity, but you can interpret it to be about culture, people's perspectives, ideas etc....Because i think i did that with the word "environment"

- THANK YOU!!!!! sorry that was a long intro...


She stood on the corner waiting. It was early in the morning, maybe even too early for her day to begin. Nonetheless, she stood there, with a lunch-pail at hand. Dawn rose with all its glory in plain sight across the street, and over the roofs of the two-story cookie-cutter houses. The girl lives in a quite neighborhood, mostly because senior citizens had invaded this secluded part of the town. But maybe there was a reason why her mother moved her here, as did mine. We have something in common. Looking at this girl gave me an ecstatic feeling; I felt nostalgic observing her. I lost track of time- until the cactus on my windowsill pressed a little too hard against my forearm. Our bus was late. A typical excuse for late students, but it's all part of the experience.

I remember a homey smell always lingers in school buildings when students return after summer break. It might be the wax on the floors, but whatever it is the familiar smell is a concrete sensation in my mind. I can tell that the girl is nervous, but at the same time excited for her first day in middle school. She reminds me of the joy and open-mindedness that should come with learning. Every year I would be anxious about entering the school campus ready to learn something new. I could see that this soon to be ripened individual, with a violin and tennis racquet be her side, is just a seed. Balancing the role of a student and an active member of society can be challenging, but she will become a sturdy plant capable of spreading her seeds beyond her picket fence and so will I.

I knew deep inside that this new neighbor of mine and I would become close friends.
ivyeyesediting - / 85  
Nov 9, 2009   #2
Hi Christie, Can you give a quick summary of your concept for this essay and what you are hoping to achieve? I love some of the language and imagery here, but I would like to have a better understanding of your overall concept.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 10, 2009   #3
Looking at an environment in the future... interesting!

I think this definitely is appropriate, and it is beautifully written.

How about trying to make this sentence a little stronger:
There is always A certain smell always (verb) students upon returning to school after summer break...

liveliness or "vitality"...

I think homeschooling is one word.
OP christiek 6 / 65  
Nov 11, 2009   #4
Ivy Eyes Editing: Well, I wanted to take a creative perspective with the prompt. The concept I am trying to get across to the reader is that with all the fast pace aspects of society, and growing technology taking control over human hands, is a "bad", almost scary, thing. So, I interpreted the word environment, in this essay, as a school environment.

- Should I change this? Am I over stretching the prompt?
- Thank you!!

EF_Kevin: Thank you for your comments! And I really hope it's appropriate for the prompt! haha
- I think Word is lying to me, because I put homeschooling as one word, and it said it was wrong...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 12, 2009   #5
Word does lie sometimes. And that little paperclip guy is an evil demon, I think. See this: home-school.com/
OP christiek 6 / 65  
Nov 15, 2009   #6
Yes, the paperclip is such a nuisance. haha..
thank you for the clarification with the website! :)

To the essayfourm-ers:
I need some help making this essay shorter...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 17, 2009   #7
I swear, I stared at this for such a long time... the first time I didn't offer suggestions for cutting, because it is all so nicely written I did not have the heart. Now, after several more minutes of staring at it, I realized that it is that great material at the start that needs to be cut.

She stood on the corner waiting. It is early ...part of the experience.

Cut all that, and then add a little to this to get the main idea across: that you saw this little girl, and to you she represented the way school is supposed to be.

Keep this part:
Before she stepped into the gaudy-yellow school bus, she glanced over her shoulder, and looked at me. She gave me a faint smile and stepped into the bus, with only three other children inside.

Definitely keep the part about the smell. References to smell are powerful in writing.
OP christiek 6 / 65  
Dec 10, 2009   #8
Okay so I had to scratch a lot of it out and make it completely new because I had a couple people at school read it and they said that it's "good" but it might confuse the readers. And it doesn't really answer the prompt directly/clearly (which has been my fear all along)

EF-Kevin: Thank you for all your help!!! I really appreciate your input and I swear your advice will not unacknowledged. I kept the part about smell and stuff : )

P.S. I signed up to be a contributor and they accepted me :) YAY!

This edited version is actually like a rough draft all over again. So PLEASE HELP!
Thanks everyone!

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