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Scary moment gives me coruage short answer


raza68 5 / 23  
Dec 24, 2011   #1
Ok, so i wrote my emory short answer all over again and I need some advice. Please do not combine this thread with my other thread as this is a completely different essay than my last!

prompt: What is your favorite ride at the amusement park? How does this reflect your approach to life?

My heart starts to pound and my palms become sweaty. I have been looking at this ride for years, and the time to ride on this monster has come. I quietly stare out into the sky, looking at the birds above me. The line then begins to move and I slowly approach the man in charge who checks to see if I have met the height requirements. I cross my fingers, hoping to be sent back to my parents, but to no avail. 5 minutes pass and I can hardly stand to look at the convoluted ride. 10 minutes pass and I cannot believe I am putting myself through this agony. 15 minutes pass and I can barely breathe.

It is now my turn and I take a seat on the infamous "Hulk". My feet are dangling and I feel alone. Quickly, the ride takes off and goes higher and higher. I close my eyes and spread my arms wide open. I fly. I start off by swooping down to the ground level and then burst back up to the clouds. I do this again and again until my mind is in peace.

The ride quickly ends and I sit there flabbergasted. I had feared this ride for years in my childhood, but, at that moment, I embraced the beast. I found courage in myself that day, which, as a result, has defined the way I tackle life.
priscillaaa 1 / 29  
Dec 24, 2011   #2
Love your first sentence :)

5 minutes

Start this sentence with "Five" instead of "5".
*same rule goes for the next sentences!

Quickly, the ride takes off and goes higher and higher.

make this moment sound suspenseful and interesting! "the ride takes off and tugs me higher and higher in the air" maybe?

in my childhood,

"throughout my childhood"?

you may want to elaborate on how this event is significant to your life (but I dont know the prompt)

I would appreciate if you could critique my essay as well..thanks (:
OP raza68 5 / 23  
Dec 25, 2011   #3
thanks! oh and my prompt is in my first post :)


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