i dont really enjoy the writing but i still have to write one for college... but anyway can people give me some feedback?
i think my essay is kinda long ( about 829 words), which of them you think are unnecessary that i should delete?
Should the rest of my essay focus more on the effect of the bus accident? the description of the accident is just too lengthy!!
Topic: What is your most frightened experience?
I was falling, just seconds from crashing through the glass window of the school bus as it lurched to one side. When I was dismissed from school that afternoon, I was just another 13-year-old heading home, but a short time later, my life changed forever...
It was in June 2004, when I endured a school bus accident that nearly destroyed me. Before the accidence, I was an optimist who experienced fear only when watching a scary movie. During the struggle between life and death, I found out I was no longer optimistic, but a thoughtful and strong-willed warrior fighting for survival every second.
As the school bus rumbled into an underpass, my back stiffened at its shrill sound of metal scraping on metal. While we were sitting on the bus minding our own business, a gigantic thrust suddenly pitted us against each other from one side to another. Our school bus had bumped into a truck! The bus started wobbling uncontrollably until it hit the wall and began to turn over. I never felt so petrified in my life as I did the moment when the bus driver fell out of her seat and passed out. Wires started sizzling and spark flying, we all were screaming hysterically fumbling in darkness and managing to make it out. The world went topsy-turvy, but I tried to calm myself down in fright by repeating it over and over: It was just a little collision... I kept praying until the force of the bus was pushing my head as if lifting a feather, closer and closer to a window. Within seconds, I knew I was going to fly out. I stared at the window, contemplating how it was going to be until it cracked into pieces and cut me. Within just few seconds, I realized how fragile I actually was.
I was too frightful to think, however, all I wanted was to get out of the bus and arrive home. At that moment, I had never had such a vehement desire to be with my family and friends. I want to smell the perfume of my mother; hear my father's lecture lingering around, and the giggling of my friends. Every second I struggled, my nails dig deeper into the leather of the seat and the more I want to survive. Then, I fought the force that pushed my head into the window by pushing backwards against it; I fought and scrabbled for an emergency window. I fought against everything crazily until the emergency window was being pulled out and we were rescued by the people. When I got away, I only sensed my fatigued body, flashing lights and rushing people to the hospital...
For months after the bus accident, I shook whenever I saw a bus. Every time I woke up, I was incredibly relieved that I was still alive. Although I complained about the bus driver putting our lives at risk by driving too fast, without the bus accident I would never see self-growth: considerate, strong-willed and striving. After the accident, I grew to fear and worried that I subconsciously lost some of the spunk for taking challenges, but instead I started pondering more carefully about the lost and gain of every action I take. In negative ways, the bus accident weakened my sense of security and it haunted me all along my life since after. However, it reminded me of how strong-willed I am for surviving and how it possibly contribute to my survival in school and community. Each time when I faced with a problem, I will approach it with strong will and perseverance, just like the moment I felt a strong desire to live and struggled to find a way out. Meanwhile, I strived to work my best in both school and community. I became a camp counselor in boys & girls club and youth center, shared my own story while teaching the youths to be resolute and able to protect themselves in danger. Terror, although it existed whenever I retrospect to a bus accident, I will fight against it with a strong will.
Your essay about this horrendous experience is very strong and compelling! Although you are still learning the language, your meaning comes through very well. I edited it for you to help with the grammar:
Three years ago, I was a person too optimistic and naïve to be afraid; I experienced fear only when watching a scary movie. My life throughout the first 13 years was simple and happily led. The only fear in my life was in June 2004, when I endured a macabre school bus accident that nearly destroyed my entirety. Within the moment of struggling between life and death, I found out I was no longer naïve and optimistic, but a thoughtful and strong-willed warrior fighting for survival every second.
SEE ABOVE FOR THE NEXT PART
thank you so much...
but also i need help for my introduction,.. can you suggest me any way i can make it more interesting? Can you think of way to make the essay more concise?
Often, the best way to make your essay more interesting and really grab the reader from the very first sentence is to start in the middle of the action. You could begin with a description of the bus crash and then back up a bit, and tell how you came to be there: "Falling, I was falling, just seconds from crashing through the glass window of the school bus as it lurched to one side. When I got up on that ordinary morning, I was just another 13-year-old heading to school, but a short time later, my life changed forever."
That's a rather short version of how you could do it; you might want to put in more detail, but I think you will see what I mean. I hope this helps!
thank you .. it helps..
i have one more thing add to my conclusion, i think my conclusion sounds a little bit optimistic, the story itself suppose be frightful.. i like the way you begin the introduction.
My grammar is poor, i need some help with it.
I think I understand what you are trying to do with the last sentence, but to me it seems a little out of place. There is no rule that says that an essay about a frightening experience cannot end with a note of optimism. If you start that last sentence with "Falling uncontrollably," it sounds as if you are falling, literally, every time you remember. I think you'd be better off without that phrase in that place.
I hope this helps!
But is there any way i can improve my conclusion?
To me, your next-to-last sentence (the one before the bolded one) would make an excellent ending. I think if you stop the essay there, it will end on the right note. It shows that the event, however frightening it may have been, had a lasting impact on your life with some positive effects. A conclusion which hints at the future (when, as you say, you are faced with a problem), and shows that your future will be somewhat changed by the events related in the essay, is a good one.
Thank you for sharing your experience. As I read through it, I realized here was something true, an experience that very few have had, and you were making such an effort to tell it all. Or is it because of it's 'life defining ' quality, it is forever etched in your mind.
Aside from what Sarah has said, I want to tell you, you have communicated very well in the original piece, unfortunately since it must conform to the rules of the language it must be trimmed and watered down from its earlier strong character.
I think too, people in United States have some embarassment when people of other cultures speak of a 'God of Death..'. It's your choice what you want to say finally, but I personally understand you completely, specially when you described him as waiting for you 'gloatingly'.
I am so glad to have read your peice. Thank you for your boldness and good luck.
Thanks you both
If the assignment is to describe your most frightening experience, then I see nothing wrong with the amount of time you spend on the accident itself. I think you also relate the after-effects of the accident quite well, too.
I just have a few editing suggestions for you:
Wires started sizzling and sparks flying. We all were screaming hysterically, fumbling in the darkness. [I would delete "and managing to make it out." It sounds like you were out of the bus already] The world went topsy-turvy, but I tried to calm myself down [delete "in fright"] by repeating [delete "it"] over and over: it was just a little collision.
I was too frightened to think, however; all I wanted was to get out of the bus and arrive home.
I wanted to smell my mother's perfume;
Every second I struggled, my nails dug deeper into the leather of the seat and the more I wanted to survive.
After the accident, I [delete "grew to fear" - that does not really make sense] worried that I subconsciously lost some of my spunk for taking challenges, but instead I started pondering more carefully about the loss and gain of every action I take.
In negative ways, the bus accident weakened my sense of security and it has haunted me all through my life [delete "since after"]. However, it now reminds me of how strong-willed I am for surviving and how it may have contributed to my survival in school and community. Each time when I am faced with a problem, I will approach it with strong will and perseverance, just like the moment I felt a strong desire to live and struggled to find a way out. Meanwhile, I strived to work my best in both school and community. I became a camp counselor in a boys & girls club and youth center, and shared my own story while teaching the youths to be resolute and able to protect themselves in danger.
Terror, although it existed whenever I retrospect to a bus accident, I will fight against it with a strong will. - This sentence does not really make sense. Better would be "Although it was a terrifying experience, the bus accident left me with a strong will to fight and survive."
Best of luck in your studies!
thank you sarah...