Sentences in italics are things I feel need to be changed, but Idk how. I also don't know what to write next.
This essay is suppoesd to be 300 words and atm it is 357. I'm thinking about deleting the first paragraph anyway.
I'm trying to elevate the diction and make the sentences better make it sound somewhat professional but right now its not working. and im just like ughhh
please help, thanks in advance.
PS: I feel like i have a good topic / concept but the wording is just not there right.
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Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations. (300 words)
Perspective is the angle with which we view the world. When committed to only one angle, our community as we see it becomes narrow, and subject to the critique of one culture, one set of laws and flaws. Yet as one changes perspective, inheriting various outlooks on life, each new challenge presents an opportunity to __________. [remove whole paragraph?]
A young girl, eating lunch with her friends in the heart of Chinatown, is gently pulled aside. Her mother tells her two words that she is too young to fully comprehend.
"We're moving."
Blissfully unaware, the naïve child asks, "How many friends can I bring?" Her mother responds with a somber yet knowing smile.
For a long time after our move, I felt as if I had been pulled apart: one foot trapped in Chinatown, San Francisco, and the other in San Diego. I could not understand why we were leaving the community that I had known for so many years. I had told my friends that I would be back soon. [remove?]
Not realizing it at the time, I had been attending a school where over 90% of the students were Asian American, and although other races were always welcome, they were admittedly rare. As a community, we had shared one culture, celebrating Chinese New Year with dragon parades and attending Chinese school to learn our characters. Shifting to a community in which ethnic diversity was commonplace, I ironically felt lost and out of place.
Expanding my definition of community had created a new and unforgettable chapter in my life. Although my fluency in Chinese was later replaced by English and Spanish, I eventually grew accustomed to, and appreciative of, the various cultures and perspectives of my new companions. Gaining an admiration for varying approaches to life, I flourished with friends that I now could not imagine my life without. Most importantly, I expanded my perspectives on life, from relationships to daily issues. [i hate this sentence]
This ability to look at things from different perspectives have shaped my dreams and aspirations to become an engineer.Engineers solve problems, often on a global scale.With a broad spectrum of growing perspectives, wegfearbgaewr
[wanted to tie "changing perspectives" into how engineers need to be able to look at problems from different angles. But not just say it like that, instead say it more professional. Bleh.]
I usually write better than this but for some reason this topic is hard for me to express. Or what im trying to say is hard for me to express. idkkkkkk
It may be a good idea to expand on the engineering aspect of your dreams/aspirations.
What I learned about the UC application going-over process is that the panel really checks to see if the essay aligns with the application (i.e. major declared, extra-curriculars, and all that jazz).
Your best bet for a good essay is one that really delineates your ambition to become a successful engineer.
Cheers!
tommy-j
How can I express whhat Ive written in the shortest / best way possible so that I have enough word count to talk about engineering? And whats the best way to tie it in?
I know i need to talk about that part more but tying it in is the hard part for me right now.
Thanks for replying tommy j :)
PS:
if i scrap that last para and start it with this, then it seems too direct..boring...straightforward..undeveloped...blech.
"This same development of different perspectives has shaped my aspirations of becoming an engineer."
D:
You're writing is dramatic and artistic writing. However, at this point, you want to make use of all the space you're given to squeeze in the most content. I think that you could probably cut down on this part:
A young girl, eating lunch with her friends in the heart of Chinatown, is gently pulled aside. Her mother tells her two words that she is too young to fully comprehend.
"We're moving."
Blissfully unaware, the naïve child asks, "How many friends can I bring?" Her mother responds with a somber yet knowing smile.
Maybe you can even remove it, and use another technique to deliver the same impactful, dramatic message.
Cheers,
tommy-j
Should I take out the first paragraph?
And how can i phrase the connection between perspective and engineering?
ps
instead of
"A young girl, eating lunch with her friends in the heart of Chinatown, is gently pulled aside. Her mother tells her two words that she is too young to fully comprehend.
"We're moving."
Blissfully unaware, the naïve child asks, "How many friends can I bring?" Her mother responds with a somber yet knowing smile."
i could put
It amazes me to think of how much I have changed since I left the [whats the opposite of diversity that could go here?] of Chinatown, San Francisco, to the [what should go here?] of San Diego.
Dang but I still hate this sentence because it's so...middle school ish. i hate it but i cant think of what else to write.
(Pensive thought)
Gosh that's a really hard one. Although I understand where you're coming from because I know some individuals, too, who come from the same background, I'm not sure the readers could make that connection. On the surface level, you paint a really conspicuous picture of your Chinese heritage, and that stays in my mind all throughout the essay. When you tied that in with engineering, there was an abrupt change, like the gears shifted from 2nd gear all the way to 6th gear in an instant.
In the second to the last paragraph, you mention your ability with languages. From an engineering perspective, it sounds like you're more of a humanities person. However, you're not. I think a more powerful analogy is your abilities in science or mathematics, and conveying your ideas in both subjects in either the English, Spanish or Chinese tongue, and, obviously, engineering.
I wish I could find a way to really help you tie the "perspective" aspect which you're explaining and engineering.
The best thing is to finish the last paragraph, because that's where you really tie the ribbon around the box.
Cheers,
tommy-j
For a long time after our move, I felt as if I had been pulled apart: one foot trapped in Chinatown, San Francisco, and the other in San Diego. I could not understand why we were leaving the community that I had known for so many years. Reassuringly, I had promised my friends that I would return soon.
Although I was unaware of it at the time, I had been going to a school where over 90% of the students were Asian American. Other races were always welcome, yet they were admittedly rare. As a community, we had generally shared one culture, celebrating Chinese New Year with dragon parades and attending Chinese school to learn our characters. We had developed one unique outlook on life. Shifting to a community in which ethnic diversity was commonplace, I ironically felt lost and out of place.
Expanding my definition of community had created a new and unforgettable chapter in my life. Although my fluency in Chinese was later replaced by English and Spanish, I eventually grew accustomed to, and appreciative of, the various cultures and perspectives of my new companions. Gaining an admiration for varying approaches to life, I flourished with diverse friends that I now could not imagine my life without. Most importantly, I applied the expansion of my perspectives to the real world, realizing that there are different ways to solve a problem, and the most effective solutions come from a broad understanding of all factors involved.
In this way, my development of different perspectives has shaped my aspirations of becoming an engineer. Expected to solve problems, oftentimes on a global scale, engineers must frequently approach unique problems from different angles and perspectives. As I work with a global economy, and people of varying ethnicities, backgrounds, and demands, dsagdfsgadfgaghwrh
[what to write?]
[I feel like I'm talking about WHY my background will help in my future, but not HOW it shaped it. Helppp!]
Content Suggestions
You have a great topic I think you just need to expand more on how other cultures have impacted you. You should be specific, talk about your thoughts when you first experienced something that was not related to your Chinese culture. You should talk about your new friends and how they have exposed to you to worlds beyond Chinatown. Also since the overall theme in your essay is perspective you need to talk about how your perspective has changed maybe you could even talk about a situation and say how you would have viewed it through your previous "Chinese eyes" and then say how you would view that situation now, since your exposure to various cultures has given you a new perspective.
Sentence Edits and Add ons
Perspective is the angle with which we view the world. When committed to only one angle, our community as we see it becomes narrow, and subject to the critique of one culture, one set of laws and flaws. Yet as one changes perspective, inheriting various outlooks on life, each new challenge presents an opportunity to __________ . (you could say: further widen one's vision and perhaps even expand someone else's.)[remove whole paragraph?](No no this is good! It introduces your theme, you need to start and end talking about perspective)
A young girl, eating lunch with her friends in the heart of Chinatown, is gently pulled aside. Her mother tells her two words that she is too young to fully comprehend.
"We're moving."
Blissfully unaware, the naïve child asks, "How many friends can I bring?" Her mother responds with a somber yet knowing smile.( it think you can delete this paragraph, you don't need this narrative because you've already stated that your moving.)
For a long time after our move, I felt as if I had been pulled apart: one foot trapped in Chinatown, San Francisco, and the other in San Diego. I could not understand why we were leaving the community that I had known for so many years. I had told my friends that I would be back soon. [remove?]
Not realizing it at the time, I had been attending a school where over 90% of the students were Asian American, and although other races were always welcome, they were admittedly rare. As a community, we had shared one culture, celebrating Chinese New Year with dragon parades and attending Chinese school to learn our characters. Shifting to a community in which ethnic diversity was commonplace, I ironically felt lost and out of place.
Expanding my definition of community had created a new and unforgettable chapter in my life. Although my fluency in Chinese was later replaced by English and Spanish, I eventually grew accustomed to, and appreciative of, the various cultures and perspectives of my new companions. Gaining an admiration for varying approaches to life, I flourished with friends that I now could not imagine my life without. Most importantly, I expanded my perspectives on life, from relationships to daily issues. [i hate this sentence] (I'm not actually sure what you are trying to say here. Are you trying to say that you stopped thinking about relationships as in boys? or are you trying to say that you stopped thinking way to far into the future and instead are focusing on the day to day matters? If your motive in writing this sentence was the second one, then you could instead say: Most importantly I have gained a new perspective on life, shifting my focus from the ambiguity of the future to the simple day to day moments in my life.
This ability to look at things from different perspectives have shaped my dreams and aspirations to become an engineer. Engineers solve problems, often on a global scale. With a broad spectrum of growing perspectives, wegfearbgaewr
(this is where you should put your piece on your friends and how they have expanded your "vision". If you want to tie the theme of "changing perspectives" in your essay you need to be specific, how did your perspective change? and in order to answer that question you need to state your previous perspective and compare it to your new one.)
[wanted to tie "changing perspectives" into how engineers need to be able to look at problems from different angles. But not just say it like that, instead say it more professional. Bleh.]
Overall though you have a great topic! And I like your theme haha Good Luck!
I hope this helped! Thank you so much for reading mines! I'll keep replying on your revisions once you make them :)
