Thank you for clicking on my link! Below is my Common App essay for the Topic of your Choice prompt. Please evaluate it, tear it to shreds and tell me how it made you feel after reading it. Thank you in advance for any help you provided.
Becoming the first member to graduate high school and attend college in my family is a gift. I have always been a scholar since I was young; I always had an insatiable hunger for learning and engrossing myself in various subjects. As a result, I have always excelled in the world of academics and this was the greatest pride and joy for my parents. I brought honor to my family name, my sole purpose to propel myself further. My parents shared the same sentiment and assisted me in any way possible. Completing high school and attending a university is a must.
As each school year passed, it became increasingly difficult to keep an academic foothold. I felt like I was no longer on flat land, but on the edge of a cliff. I found myself in a precarious state. By the end of my 4th year and beginning of my 5th year I have given up nights to study vigorously for the trials that will eventually become my future. In my attempts to successfully score high on those exams, I have failed. I have failed to meet my parents' standard; those terrifying glares that penetrated my core. Those fixed stares of my infuriated parents slowly and brutally attacked my confidence. They did not help to alleviate my shame. They tried to help me by adding supplementary and weekend classes to my schedule, scrounging up every penny to provide for my education. I understood their cause, but my dignity could not stand more. Those scores snickered and mocked at my every conceivable weakness and I gave in. My forte was no longer supporting me. My A's became B's and mistakes ran ludicrously over my assignments. I became so frightened that I would no longer try. This deep abyss of depression grasped onto my life, and it was time for me to erase its existence.
I reflected on how and why I was in this state to begin with. I could not believe I had even considered giving up in my academics. Then I realized that there were two types of people in this world, those who realize and do nothing and those who confront and fix their mistakes. Some people do not resign themselves to what is handed to them and in an effort, correct their faults. That was me. I realize that if my grades did not meet my standards, I did not try hard enough, if my nights studying were not enough, I did not study hard enough. I was the protagonist in my own life instead of being an antagonist. My ambitions for college have been cultivated in this vision of always studying and advancing and any obstacle obstructing me must be defeated. I learned about resilience and about being steadfast in the face of adversity. I learned to be more diligent and now when I want something, I charge forward like an enraged ram, dashing until my ambitions are met. I know these qualities will help me excel in college as they have helped me arise triumphantly in my turbulent years.
"In my attempts to successfully score high on those exams, I have failed. I have failed to meet my parents' standard; those terrifying glares that penetrated my core.a semicolon seperated two clauses that can stand on their own as a sentence; "those terrifiyingglares that penetrated my core." is not a sentence. It also sounds like your parents' standard is the "terrifiying glares" "
What's interesting is that your parents sound scary and threatening "Those fixed stares of my infuriated parents slowly and brutally attacked my confidence. They did not help to alleviate my shame."
and all of a sudden they are caring "They tried to help me by adding supplementary and weekend classes to my schedule, scrounging up every penny to provide for my education. "
Try connecting these two views more smoothly.
"I realize that if my grades did not meet my standards, I did not try hard enough, if my nights studying were not enough, I did not study hard enough." Ehh... this sentence is a bit confusing. Try a semicolon:
"I realize that if my grades did not meet my standards, I did not try hard enough; if my nights studying were not enough, I did not study hard enough."
"My ambitions for college have been cultivated in this vision of always studying and advancing onward; any obstacle obstructing me must be defeatednot defeated; I think overcome is a much better word. Defeated makes you sound scary :P. I learned how to beresilience, steadfast, and diligent in the face of adversity. Now, when I want something, I charge forward like an enragedagain- try excited? enraged makes u sound crazy :) ram, dashing forward until my ambitions are met. I know these qualities will help me excel in college, as they have helped me arise triumphantly from my turbulent years."
hahaha, I assure you I'm not crazy, well at least by my definition of the word.
Thank you so much for your comments, but as a whole, what do you think about it? is it good enough to be my common app essay, provided I tweak it?
"I realize that if my grades did not meet my standards, I did not try hard enough, if my nights studying were not enough, I did not study hard enough." In the second part of this line, you use 'enough' twice in consecutive fragments. And the tense seems awkward. Rephrase it to something like this-'I realized that if my grades didn't meet my standards, I wasn't trying hard enough; if my nights studying didn't pay off, I wasn't working hard enough"
I like your ideas but you should also try to include an example where your hard work paid off. Like a moment of victory for you, but make it a small one and don't dwell on it too much. Just refer to it to show that your ideas of hard work really work.
