I recently started the essays and I can't find anyone to read them, so please comment and advise me .
Here it is-
Most people would write about how the war on terror affects them daily, or how education is a universal right. Hell, they would even write about the transition of power in North Korea. I won't.
I study at a boarding school. About one tenth of the students are resident scholars,or "boarders". While no distinction is made between the two, and one would think no reason of animosity to exist between them, a weird and altogether heated atmosphere exists in the school.
This stems from the fact that all these boarders stay together and have developed a sense of brotherhood, one that compels them to protect each other in times of need , but this supposed caring is not always positive.
It usually results in unnecessary, heated arguments over trivial matters between the resident and the day scholars and for what, a show of supremacy, a show of their unit cohesion? And if this isn't enough, even some of the teachers side with them.
While I love my school, a lot, this is the part I dislike most. I am not a hippie, I know, but I did wish that something would be done to solve this problem.
Like the other day, a sophomore, a resident, fell into an argument with a senior, a friend of mine. This matter got so intensified in a few hours that the teachers had to involved to cool everyone down. This was the breaking point for me. Not that I decided to take the law into my own hands and teach everyone a lesson, but I realised it was time to do something sensible.
I decided to talk to the senior residents, make them realise that the little time we had left in the school was meant to be spent in harmony. I did this not only because I was quite irritated with the situation all around me , but also because it was corrupting the overall environment of the school, not to mention the various competitions we lost just because we couldn't get along.
It is not easy convincing a group of people who are reluctant to make peace, and it wasn't. It took a week for me to get them to sit down and listen to me and another day to get my word through. When I finally did get my word through, and explained to them the consequences of their behaviour, like any child who is at fault, they pretended to overlook my words.
I didn't try to do anything after that, but was surprised to find that my work had paid off, well kind of. The boarders were now polite in their dealings, not friendly, but polite.Apart from a few disgruntled individuals, the school was no longer a place of conflict or of clashing minds. Although peace was not achieved entirely, we did find some way to co-exist in the same school.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I really think you should just start over with an entirely different topic. The only thing your audience can glean from this essay is that you think you're superior to others your age ("Most people would write about how the war on terror affects them daily, or how education is a universal right. Hell, they would even write about the transition of power in North Korea. I won't.") and that you can't focus your writing (i.e. stream of consciousness such as: "Like the other day, a sophomore, a resident, fell into an argument with a senior, a friend of mine. This matter got so intensified in a few hours that the teachers had to involved to cool everyone down. This was the breaking point for me. Not that I decided to take the law into my own hands and teach everyone a lesson, but I realised it was time to do something sensible. ")
There are also a lot of lines in here that don't make any sense. Where did the part about you not being a hippie come from?
You have a really good vocabulary and your word selection is interesting, but at the end of the day, this is not a college essay. A college essay should be coherent, concise, and most importantly, it should stress something that's unique about you. This essay is none of those things.
I reccommend you work with an English teacher and read some college essay examples online so you can get an idea of what you should be writing.
You're a good writer and I am confident that you will come up with a great idea!
Ok thanks everyone, I made a lot of changes, A LOT , and I think I've made it better, well somewhat. Will post it when I'm done, thanks everyone!
