I rewrote my prompt 1 essay and was wondering if anyone could take a look at it and give me some advice. :)
Prompt #1: "Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community, or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
First period is always killer, after waking up from sleep that was cut short by anxious studying for tests. Throughout the day, the learning and testing is mediated by our interactions with friends, only because by the end of the day, we are back reviewing and studying all over again.
We had been warned our sophomore year.
"The outside world is dog-eat-dog", my well-learned Chemistry teacher lectured, "and it is absolutely necessary to prepare for the harsh reality after high school. What is learned from this day forward will build the foundation for the rest of life." His words bore a hole in our brains.
Every so often, I come across a mom, and the question of which school I attend is brought up. The common response to my answer is a flurry of more questions about this school that all moms seem to know somehow. My only reply is of short and concise words: hard work, passion, high standards. These are the characteristics of this stellar school that has taught me and classes of past students the ways of life after high school.
At my school, working hard is hard work. I never enjoyed homework or studying, as most students would admit with me, but working hard is the only option here. This method has pushed me to handle the task. Even with nights full of homework, I do not blow past them like chores, but treat them as the take-home quizzes they are meant to be. With upcoming tests and little time to study, I expend all my effort into doing whatever I can. My school has provided me a preparation for the countless more nights of work in college and beyond, coming as an extremely handy trait.
With passion, I was not born knowing it. As a child, I switched my dream job often. I remember wanting to be a policeman because I believed I could speed on the highway when no one else could; I wanted to be a teacher because I had so many great game ideas to play with other kids; I wanted to be a veterinarian because I loved dogs. With my high school, the environment is not only open, but also supportive for such desires. I have been able to explore all the subjects of my interests, and finally choose science as my passion. I love understanding how and why things work the way they do, and my high school has been so strong on building upon this curiosity that I do not want to be anything but a doctor. This stable student body has made me a believer of a true passion and the fulfillment of it.
Just as with passion, I did not create a standard right away. Different schools and different environments tested my many views on the future. At my current school, though, I have learned from fellow "overachievers" to set high, yet attainable goals. Thanks to peers and the school environment, many more students have their "What do you want to be when you grow up?" question answered. With this, my high school has set a bar, reachable but also a long ways up, and this has only prepared me for what life has in store.
hey thanks for revising my essay. I'm just gonna warn you that I'm not very good at peer editing, but I'll try my best. X]
At my school, working hard is hard work.
are you're trying to use a clever word inverse-y thing? it sounds kind of odd to me.
The common response to my answer is a flurry of more questions about this school that all moms seem to know somehow.
Do all the moms seem to know the school? or they seem to know the questions?? i'm just a bit confused..
With passion, I was not born knowing it.
not born knowing passion? maybe reword that
I hope this helped a bit!
thanks again :]
Hey! Thanks so much for reading through my essay, much appreciated.
I like where you are going in the this essay. You are writing about how your school has shaped you to work hard and set high, attainable goals.
I have several questions I suggest you answer in your essay:
1. What makes your school so hard compared to other schools? Is it because your school uses a special program like the IB program? What time do you usually sleep? Do all your friends at that school struggle with keeping up with the curriculum? Is it impossible to get an A at your school?
2. With passion, I was not born knowing it. This is kinda vague. What is your passion? Are you saying you don't have passion? Or are you saying that your school helped you develop a passion for something? If so, what is your passion?
3. What is that thing your mom seems to know? That part in your essay was a bit unclear.
4. You listed things that you wanted to do, like be a policeman. What do you want to do now, specifically? And how has your school shaped that specific goal? If you don't have a specific goal, are you saying that your school, by challenging you to receive a well-rounded knowledge base of..everything, has enabled you to attain whatever goal-path you choose to follow?
I hope some of these questions help edit your essay. Good luck!
