Please help me with grammar and the over all effect of the essay. Any comments are appreciated
Thank you
What experiences have led you to select your professional field and objective? (School of Management) - 3000 characters
With talking the last step up the stairs, I was overwhelmed with by the bustling hallway. "What are we going to do?" said one of my friends while she came running towards me. I replied casually, "Wait, I'll just get my stuff and then we can start." My relaxed tone seemed very contrary to what I was feeling. It was our Business Day and our group was the only one not ready. The marketing had started a few days ago and seemed to be quite effectual, but our stand was not ready. Honestly, I did not plan to be ready at 8:30 AM considering the fact that we were selling Tacos, however, our teacher was very mad at us. Somehow, my classmates had forgotten about the arrangements I had made for the tables and microwave resulting in there frustration. When I got back they had scavenged around for a table. I got the microwave and started preparing while at the same time convincing people to buy our only ready products, gum and dessert. In 5 minutes, we were ready to go. My friends and I looked around at each other with pride. Soon money was flying around. I become the accountant along with being the intermittent sales person. It was interesting to see me, an Indian (officially Hungarian), a Brazilian, an American, and a Hungarian working on a business project to sell Mexican tacos.
The business project was frustrating, enriching and enjoyable. The project allowed us to practice and experience all real aspects and problems of the corporate world even at a small scale. We did the marketing, financing, accounting, management, and even production. It allowed for a great leadership opportunity as it faced me with problems which had to be tackled. I saw the productive result of patience and clear-thinking. My internship at MoveOne Relocations had a similar effect, however, the business project was our own complete creation which made it a more realistic experience. What I find most interesting in business is the variety of fields within the subject itself as well as the international experience achieved from it. I have studied in international schools and my love for traveling has lead me to discover many lands and cultures. I see business now to be in the same effect as I when was looking around the table -many cultures collaborating together for one goal. My "third culture kid" experience embodies in me cultural aspects, understanding ,and acceptance for all continents. The most distinct of all of these are European, American, and Indian.
My actual interest in business stemmed from a much younger age. I still remember climbing on to my father's massive chair (or at least that's what it seemed like then) and imitating him - writing on paper and talking on the phone. I spent most of my childhood in my father's office. I loved playing in the building and helping out - which honestly made me feel very proud and important. As the time went on my childish admiration for my father grew into a more mature one as my interest in his business grew. My father cultivated my interest - answering questions and teaching me from his experience. He continues to involve me in many of his activities and avidly seeks my opinions - which he surprisingly finds very useful - in his ventures.
Students consider many different factors when applying to college. Briefly discuss who or what influenced your decision to apply to Boston University - 2000 characters
The scorching sun was still beating down on my head. The air conditioned car did not keep me safe from the intense heat that caused my head to throb. I was just contemplating my misery when we stopped at a traffic light. I looked to my left on the dirty pavement. There sat a little boy, seemingly impervious to the heat. He was scratching away diligently on a small slate with a chalk. He was completely engrossed in his sums and letters. My worries seemed miniscule compared to him. I realized the battle that was concurring right in front of me. The boy was fighting to educate himself and in that fighting to create a future for himself, as many do in India. My culture has been a great motivator for me to apply to university. In India education is seen as imperishable wealth that can never be lost. It is also as George Washington Carver says the "key to unlock the golden door of freedom." With all the facilities that are available why should I not fight and strive for excellence.
Boston University is the perfect place for such an experience. It not only allows me to sculpt my mind under extraordinary minds but also allows me to experience a diverse range of activities which fit perfectly with my wide range of interests. I will be able to continue to enjoy a multi-cultural education and experience since BU stands in the heart of the diverse city of Bosron. BU's strong business program has been a key factor in my decision. My father has been a great influence and a guiding light to me in the realm of business. His determination and hard work has lead him to great business prosperity. From him I have gained the desire to stand out on top and have realized the variety of business possibilities. It has lead me to want to search for my own route in such a diverse area which intrigues me so greatly. BU's extensive array of majors and minors allow a great deal of freedom to experiment and build my education in all areas of my interest.
"The boy was fighting to educate himself and in that fighting to create a future for himself, as many do in India."-wording seems a little awkward maybe delete "in that"
"diverse city of Bosron"-typo
Great introduction maybe try to make the ending a little stronger or tie it into the introduction.
Careful, I think some of it sounds insincere. You should avoid broad terms like calling places "perfect" and be more focused on what is so great, what activities and programs have you done that you will sure do in Boston. They look for not just "diversity" but how you can connect and fit in at their school... Something to think about!
My actual interest in business stemmed from a much younger age. I still remember climbing on to my father's massive chair (or, at least, it seemed massive then) and imitating him - writing on paper and talking on the phone. I spent most of my childhood in my father's office. I loved playing in the building and helping out - which honestly made me feel very proud and important. As the time went on, my childish admiration for my father grew into a more mature one as my interest in his business grew. My father actively cultivated my interest - answering questions and teaching me from his experience. He continues to involve me in many of his activities and to avidly seek my opinions - which he surprisingly finds very useful - in his ventures.
The scorching sun beat down on my head, and the air-conditioned car did not keep me safe from the intense heat that was causing my head to throb. I was just contemplating my misery when we stopped at a traffic light. I looked to my left on the dirty pavement. There sat a little boy, seemingly impervious to the heat. He was scratching away diligently on a small slate with a chalk. He was completely engrossed in his sums and letters. My worries seemed minuscule compared to him. I realized the battle that was concurring right in front of me.
It is also, as George Washington Carver says, the "key to unlock the golden door of freedom." With all the facilities that are available why should I not fight and strive for excellence.
Good luck at BU!!!!!
:)
Kevin
Thank you for your comments
I made changes Kevin suggested for the first ones and second one. I rewrote the second one quite a bit. Is it any better? Anything else i can change?
Students consider many different factors when applying to college. Briefly discuss who or what influenced your decision to apply to Boston University - 2000 characters
The air conditioned car did not keep me safe from the scorching sun that caused my head to throb. I was just contemplating my misery when we stopped at a traffic light. I looked to my left on the dirty pavement. There sat a little boy, seemingly impervious to the heat. He was scratching away diligently on a small slate with a chalk. He was completely engrossed in his letters. My worries seemed miniscule compared to him. I realized the battle that was concurring in front of me. The boy was fighting to educate himself and fighting to create a future for himself, as many do in India. My culture has been a great motivator for me to apply to university. In India, education is seen as imperishable wealth that can never be lost. It is also as George Washington Carver says the "key to unlock the golden door of freedom." With all the facilities that are available why should I not fight and strive for excellence.
Boston University will be able to provides with a stage to do so. It not only allows me to sculpt myself under extraordinary minds but also allows me to experience a diverse range of activities and extensive array of majors and minors allow a great deal of freedom to experiment and build my education in all areas of my interest. I imagine my typical day in BU to start off with me hurrying of to "Management as a System" class followed by "Introduction to Computer Science I." Then a trip to Boston city center for a quick lunch with some friends from other universities before I headed off to change for dance class. There would be no point in changing after class as Volleyball practice would be starting in a few hours. The hours in between would be a perfect time to sit in the library and review over the materials of the day. Finally, returning to the dorm I would shower, eat, and pen down a few lines for a short story I was working on. After spending a few hours debating and talking with friends, my bed would call me invitingly. The challenge and diversity that each day will present will help me build a better future for myself.
Sorry but could anyone tell me which version of "Why BU?" essay is better
This image of the boy scratching out letters is powerful. Perhaps it deserves a little more description:
He was completely engrossed in his letters, which he was practicing without the help of any teacher.
Awesome, it would be great if you can mention him again at the end.
