Prompt: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).
Being a "typical" Asian girl-a shy, quiet, straight-A student-I surprised many of my peers when I made it onto my school's Pom squad. Similar to a dance team, the squad is one of the most popular and elite groups at my school with over sixty eager girls trying out every year for nine available spots. My sophomore year, I was one of those nine girls. Since then, being on the squad has certainly changed my high school experience. I have become friends with girls who I never would have talked to otherwise-girls who have helped me break free from my quiet exterior. After performing at football games and competing in festivals, I have shown my friends and fellow peers that I am more than just that "shy Asian girl." Yes, I get good grades. Yes, I am good at math. But being on the squad has taught me that I have so many other great qualities outside of the academic realm, and becoming a Pom was just the first step in displaying those qualities. Now, I am on the verge of beginning a new chapter in my life, and I can't wait to share more.
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i know this is a little longer than 150 words, so i'll make sure to cut down on it.. but am i on the right track so far? i feel like i'm talking about myself more than the actual activity.. would you agree?
any kind of feedback would be great. thank you! (:
so i tweaked a few things, but i'm still at 198 words. please let me know if there is any information i can take out.. or even if there's some info that i should add. i was thinking that maybe it would be more helpful if i actually stated what my "other great qualities" were.. but you be the judge.
also, no one has answered my questions from my previous post so that would be really helpful, too. again, ANY feedback would be greatly appreciated!
I love the extra curricular activity you chose. It really does accentuate your individuality.
With that said, there are a few things you can change/delete
"Yes, I get good grades. Yes, I am good at math."
I don't think the above section is really integral to your writing. In fact, it is a bit extra that doesn't not add much to the story you are trying to tell.
I have shown my friends and fellow peers that I am more than just that "shy Asian girl."
Be more direct in the above statement. Tell the reader that you break out of your shell and blossom into a social butterfly. You only briefly allude to it currently.
Now, I am on the verge of beginning a new chapter in my life, and I can't wait to share more.
You can also remove the sentence above. The sentence before it already adds enough intensity to give the reader a "gift" at the ending.
I hope that helped. Also if you have a chance please critique some of my writing.
Good luck and Happy Holidays!
thank you so much! your advice really helps out a lot.
i'll definitely try to read over some of your stuff too (:
