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'The School Radio' - Extracurricular activities


phhai 7 / 25  
Dec 30, 2011   #1
I am sorry but it is so close to the deadline. Please help me spot any mistakes or redundant ideas.
I will try to help you guys with yours
Thank you
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The School Radio was the place where I evolved and acquired many valuable lessons. Initially I signed up to become a broadcaster in which I only expected to sharpen my public speaking skills. However, the actual work was more than what meets the eye. To communicate with listeners with different perspective, the broadcaster needs to edit his words prudently. My first broadcast was finally on air after 2 weeks of consecutive editing, eventually, it went smoothly with every prepared. I realized that if preparations are strengthened with the power of improvisation, efficiency of the work can be heightened significantly. After 1 year of participation, I was selected to be the Vice President of The School Radio. This position showed me the impact I can have on the lives of others, and helped nurture in me a sense of social responsibility. I treasured my memories at the School Radio. The Radio indulged in me sense of confidence, and encouraged me to extend my abilities to greater boundaries.
thes1tuation 3 / 4  
Dec 30, 2011   #2
The essay's good, but I would expand on " This position showed me the impact I can have on the lives of others, and helped nurture in me a sense of social responsibility."

How did it show you how you can make an impact on others and in what regard did it nurture a sense of social responsibility?

P.S - The grammar and diction is good.
gotpho 4 / 19  
Dec 30, 2011   #3
it went smoothly with every prepared .

Do you mean preparation?

I treasured my memories at the School Radio.

I assume that you still treasure these memories, if so this should be in present tense.

I would also advise writing out your numbers if you have space.

But other than that, I don't see much more you can do in addition to what thes1tuation mentioned. Great topic!
OP phhai 7 / 25  
Dec 30, 2011   #4
Thank you for your helps guys :)
@gotpho: I meant "everything", however with the characters limit, I would say "things" instead then :D
jasononwenu 5 / 19  
Dec 31, 2011   #5
Your response is great. It's personal, no grammar or diction problems, and the sentences and ideas flow together. Thanks for editing my essay by the way haha.
sg120 5 / 10 2  
Dec 31, 2011   #6
I think that it is great and it really goes into depth without making it too long. I don't think it has any grammar problems or anything.


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