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Dr. Schorr has made an impact on my life

hydargirl 1 / 1  
Sep 13, 2010   #1
any criticism or advice would be much appreciated...thank you!!!! =)

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

"Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same." Flavia Weedn said it perfectly. As we go through life, people come and go, but some change us forever. For me, this individual came into my life when I needed him most and for that I can never be thankful enough. He taught me the true meaning of perseverance and never giving up, no matter how hard or impossible things may seem. Joel Schorr is and forever will be an inspiration to me.

I was a sophmore in high school when I finally had the courage to tell my mother what had happened to me as a child. I had been sexually abused by a teacher, and for the longest time I was afraid, embarrassed, and overall ashamed to admit this to anybody. I had tried to simply forget about this traumatizing event, to pretend as if it did not happen. But I could not just forget, my self esteem was low, my view of love was warped, and my nightmares were worse than ever. After I decided to tell my mother, I thought that these things would get better; perhaps I could feel better about myself,and I could have the support that I needed. However, although the support was there, the nightmares and my lowering self esteem did not leave me. I was at an all time low and I felt as if I wanted to just give up completely;on school, on my future, and on myself.

Then Dr. Schorr came into my life and , I did not know it at the time, but he would change my life. He was a truly amazing man. Ed Cunningham once said "friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer." Well, if this is true, then Dr.Schorr was my best friend. Each day I would come to him, tears streaming and doubts about myself just flying, and each day he would comfort me and tell me it was all going to be alright, and reassure me to have hope and faith that things will get better. He would tell me that what happened to me does not change who I am, and life's circumstances do not define me as a person. Against what I thought of myself, he would tell me that I could be anything I wanted to be, and accomplish any task I set my mind to.

About a month later he told me that he had been diagnosed with cancer, and he would probably be cutting down his hours as a counselor, due to the chemotherapy and radiation he would be undergoing. This news broke my heart. But what seemed to confuse me even more, was how calm he was about the situation. He seemed to have no fear. I asked him if he was scared and he said "No, I have lived my life the best I can, and I know that what is meant to happen, will...and I know that I should just live my life to the fullest".

Dr. Schorr passed away about 6 months later. And although I was extremely sad about this, I thought about what he said to me. I thought about how he never looked at things in a pessimistic way, but rather always looked at it in a hopeful and optimistic way. From that moment on, I promised myself that I would live up to my potential. I would never look at something and say "i cant do it" but I would look at anything and say I can try my best, and I will succeed. Dr. Schorr indeed left a footprint on my heart and will always be an inspiration to me.

donrocks 5 / 120  
Sep 13, 2010   #2
When i started this essay I felt WOW, this is going to be a good meaty essay but as you progressed well, I was disappointed.

1) What happened to that teacher? Did you not fight back or some stood up to his cheap acts? If someone did then make him the center saying, how he inspired me to stand for what is right.

2) If Dr. Schorr is your ideal them mention some more details. This is not enough to just say he became a counselor to you where you could pore in your sorrows.

3) Where is the impact? The impact you have mentioned has not been clarified with an example. Some life like situation where you learnt from him.

Even if he was someone special to you, you need to realize that this college essay where person sitting in front of you has to be impressed and frankly, I am unable to see the bond so strong between you. I wish you would take up the teacher theme for the essay. It is a strong issue and you should write who stood up and supported and how you were inspired. That would be catchy.

Hope this helps.
PS: Even if you write Dr. Schorr then avoid saying

Each day I would come to him, tears streaming and doubts about myself just flying, a

This line portrays you to be a cry baby and that's not a good. Sorry, if i am little frank and hurt your feelings. If you don't agree its entirely your call because essay needs to connect to you.

I have written one on this topic which if you want can see. Cheers. :-)
OP hydargirl 1 / 1  
Sep 15, 2010   #3
No you didn't hurt my feelings at all!! I really appreciate your honesty and critiques!! I honestly have never been too good at writing lol...but i will definitely fix the things you mentioned! Thank you so much! =)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Sep 15, 2010   #4
For me, this kind of individual came into my life when ...

Comma, and capital F:
once said, "Friends are those...

And here is the correct punctuation for the other dialogue:
...and say, "I cant do it," but instead I would look at anything and say, "I can try my best, and I will succeed." Dr. Schorr indeed left ...

This is a great tribute to him. I think you should try to express the truth he taught you... try to express it in a single sentence, and put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

So instead of this
Dr. Joel Schorr is and forever will be an inspiration to me.

Do this...
Dr. Joel Schorr is and forever will be an inspiration to me. taught me ___________(be specific! Come up with a phrase that is wise enough to be worthy of him)
KathyLala 20 / 116  
Sep 15, 2010   #5
Hi hydargirl
I had this prompt on my CBEST test & I passed it, unfortunately, I failed another essay. I like your essay since it expresses your true feeling & emotion. But I suggest that you can outline 3 reasons why Dr Schoor is the one who is most impact and give examples for each one.

For example, you can start with a topic sentence on (1) Dr Schoor supports you when you are at low point, then give example about your story (2) Dr Schoor is a role model of living a full life, of his pessimistic, example, he's not being afraid of his illness...& so forth (3) being a counselor Dr Schoor helps you gain self-esteem, and example...

I see that you already address those ideas on your essay. You just need to organize them. So far I really like your intro. For your second para, don't start it first, you talk about Dr Schoor and insert the 2para in somewhere when you talk about the main character(Dr Schoor)

Some minor changes
... I was afraid, embarrassed, and ashamed to admit this (sub this with something like my---) to anybody...

...forget. My self esteem...
... He told me that what happened
...to be, and accomplished
I hope some of my ideas will help

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