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'Science Fair victory' - Diversity Essay for University of Michigan

bizkitgirlzc 29 / 2  
Oct 29, 2007   #1
Can someone help me with this mini-essay for U Mich? Here's the prompt:
"We know that diversity makes us a better university ï better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment
on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

I was in eighth grade, when I won over all first place winner of my middle school Science Fair. To say I felt completely and incandescently happy would be an understatement. The joy I felt was ineffable.

That day and that success will remain in my heart always for a reason that, inexplicably, has nothing to do with winning. Rather it had to do with me reflecting on my racial ethnicity and who I was.

I felt pride at my triumph. I loved science, I loved learning, and most importantly, I loved being who I was ï what I represented.

And today, I'm still proud of who I am.

I come from a background with so many layers that if you could peel me, you'd never get through.

But in every academic environment I participated in, I didn't just have my culture to offer, I had myself. My potential has only merged more with my own breedï a Chilean New Yorker. That by definition should be a rare breed considering how scarce we are in the first place, but more than that, it's that fact that simply being a New Yorker makes us understand diversity because we are diversity.

University of Michigan must have diversity of every sort, and even though my Chilean rarity has always left an impression on almost everyone I've met, I'm not about just one culture ï I'm multicultural and I'm an open book, for anyone who's willing to dare, to be read and learnt from.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 30, 2007   #2

You've written a very good essay! I have just a couple of suggestions:

simply being a New Yorker makes us understand diversity because we are diversity. - I think it would sound better to say "because we are so diverse." Or, you could say "because we epitomize diversity."

to be read and learnt from. - This doesn't really make sense to me; I'm not sure exactly what you are saying here. Also, "learnt" is a British spelling; American English would say "learned."

Best of luck in your studies!


Sarah, EssayForum.com

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