if you can plz read and give me some feedback plz
"Science at the Heart"
I must express my sympathy for the admissions officers that have to read thousands of essays on diversity. Personally it felt almost irresistible to talk about my minority status or about being a social misfit, but I wanted to portray myself as something more; someone unique and interesting.
To put it bluntly, I am black, I am a Bahamian, I am nerd, and each has presented certain challenges, but that's not what diversity means to me.
I am a mad scientist. I love to play with moles and electricity and tectonic plates and tropism and how they all come together in one great grand schematic. This passion for science did not just arise when I hit high school, either. From as old as seven my nickname was 'Professor Pratt.' It reflected the way I approached any topic dealing with science; with intrigue and intelligence. At one point I even looked like a professor with a stumpy structure, huge glasses, and by genetics, graying hair at the age of seven. Luckily my gray hairs are all gone but my love for science still remains. Over the years I grew into the name 'Professor.' I became intrigued with the world of science and its complexities, and anomalies. Soon 'The professor' became more than just an interest - it became a way of life.
At this point, I imagine my audience is probably asking, 'Okay Professor ... now what does any of this have to do with diversity?' Plenty if you ask me. Some people may not realize it but diversity lies in more than just a person's race, ethnicity, gender, or handicaps. Diversity lies in who a person really is from their religion, sexual orientation, philosophies, interests, and general outlook on the world to their tastes in fashion, music, and cuisine. In this respect I think I would add an interesting take on things. Being a scientist led to my views on spirituality, philosophy, and a host of human issues, whether local or global. Sometimes it even affects my taste in fashion.
My views have led to some of the most crucial choices in my life. For instance I intend to enter the sciences, obviously, but more specifically, I intend to enter environmental science. The first reason I chose environmental science is because of the all-encompassing reach the field has over science. It fuses chemistry, physics, biology, soil science, atmospheric science, geology and even geography. When most people see such a demanding course outline they would steer away, as if it were a spike trap or a snake pit. When I see a course-outline like this my face lights up like a neutron star. Even the thought of practicing science just makes me feel animated. I also chose environmental science because off what it means to be successful in this field. Helping people is another passion of mine, as is the purpose of most sciences, and to be successful in this field would mean that I would be saving people's lives, when I tackle global concerns such as world hunger, climate change, pollution, resource depletion, and overpopulation, while using science.
These views and choices became vitally important to me when it finally came time for my mother to buy a new vehicle. I was horrified by the gigantic, gas guzzling monstrosities she wanted to purchase. She didn't see the importance in the effects of the car, only the conveniences. I was forced to beg and plead with her to reconsider. After a few days of protesting and a few promises to uphold the car's maintenance and cleanliness we finally decided on a 2004 Honda civic hybrid. It's not as good as the Prius I wanted but it was adequate. I felt inexplicably fulfilled as we drove out of the port. The car became my personal trophy for protecting the environment and a memento of my success-a success using science.
I know that in popular culture a mad scientist is normally seen as antagonistic, villainous and, more often than not, eccentric. While I may be slightly eccentric, I assure you I mean no harm to you or your campus, in fact I am pretty nice fellow. My passion grew to a way of life, and it has given me a truly diverse sight that I wish to share with others and the world."
Srry if it a bit long i had alot to say ><
I must express my sympathy for the admissions officers that have to read thousands of essays on diversity. Personally it felt almost irresistible to talk about my minority status or about being a social misfit, but I wanted to portray myself as something more; someone unique and interesting.
This line could be either helpful to your essay or have the completely opposite effect. It's an interesting way to start the essay nevertheless. But you don't have to write directly to adcoms to stand out. Your rhetoric should do that. :)
The way you describe yourself is good, but it doesn't necessarily bring out your character effectively, I feel. In the end, if I read it in the perspective of an adcom, you don't leave me convinced about how you could add to the diversity to the college campus.
You need to change the writing a bit to make yourself sound more convincing. There are still places you could improve on. But your essay has good potential. :)
The car example that you incorporated in the essay can be more effective if you make it more succinct and to the point...
I hope I could help in some way. All the best!
Please help me with both my essays. I could really use some feedback. :)
