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Science Olympiad / Teaching position in China - EXTRACURRICULAR ESSAY--Which one?

helloimyellow 9 / 25 3  
Dec 25, 2013   #1
These 150 word extracurricular essays seem to be everywhere on Commonapp but I can't decide which one to use... I do have a personal preference but I would like to get some more feedback from others :) Please read both (they're short!) and help me choose!

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular or work experiences (150 word limit)

Essay #1
Of my extracurriculars, Science Olympiad has become a mixed blessing. As a sophomore, joining "Scioly" proved to be one of the most testing endeavors of my high school career as I'd simultaneously joined Speech and Debate. This combo was disputed and the core Swarovski-clear: these two organizations refused coexistence. However, I spoke with the coaches, set my bones, and scribbled two registration forms. Though I was proud of my decision, my Scioly position was challenged. Members of "Towers" skipped meetings or dropped out, until I was building alone at night and living off coffee each morning; In short, Towers collapsed faster than its towers. Worn from frustration, I pursued bettering performance to regain the loyalty I'd lost, and eventually did. Initially I was accustomed to solitude, even preferred it when many Loctite-victimized fingers exhausted our superglue removal supply. But in the end, Scioly gave me limitless opportunities and relationships with the most incredible teammates, for which I could not be more thankful. **162 words right now and a very rough draft:\\

Essay #2
This summer I was offered a brief teaching position at a High School in China. I was excited though jittery while boarding the plane, having never taught students my own age even without a language barrier. Upon my arrival, the school was decrepit and unventilated with rats that gnawed at the electrical wires and yet the students seemed to glow with an inexpressible gratitude for simply attending. Seeing their joy made me guiltily conscious of my own lifestyle which reeked of thanklessness by comparison. We exchanged knowledge and they taught me the customs of my own culture and introduced me to the city, bringing me to their favorite street markets and eateries. Different as we were, the bonds we had freely established ran deep and we still stay in contact. In three weeks I had learned more about cultural adaptability and gratefulness than I had in the past seventeen years. **Exactly 150 words

Jax13 1 / 2  
Dec 25, 2013   #2
the 2nd one brings out how you faced new challenges which seems a little more appealing in my opinion

it also shows how you experienced different cultures
mmhly2011 1 / 3  
Dec 26, 2013   #3
I think if you add more information about how you deal with the difference between you and those Chinese kids, the second one would be better since it is about cultural collide.
thenewdude 13 / 59  
Dec 26, 2013   #4
^^what the above poster said. How you dealt with cultural collide can really make your essay stand out. You seem to be brilliant with imagery, but I think you should get rid of some of the descriptions and focus a little more on how that experience affected you.

Good job, and please review my lafayette essay.
OP helloimyellow 9 / 25 3  
Dec 26, 2013   #5
Thanks for the input! I preferred the second one too :)

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