This essay is a response to Stanford's essay on intellectual vitality. I am rather unsure as to its answering of the question... I sure hope it does! All comments are greatly appreciated.
My country is home to a surfeit of stereotypes; women are to be demure and confined to the kitchen, children are to be seen and not heard, and sadly, science students DO NOT write. With globalisation came reforms. Reforms in our thought patterns that helped quell the pervasiveness of some of these stereotypes. Sadly though, it failed to expunge one - science students still don't write.
I loved writing but would never have considered myself a great writer. Although I had been called forward occasionally to play raconteur to my own pieces, it was never so often as to warrant any form of recognition in that respect. Moreover as a science student, harbouring writing tendencies was considered near heresy, so I dimmed my passion for words . I was therefore surprised when, in my final year, my high school English teacher proposed that I write a play on child labour to be included in her presentation to the Microsoft Partners in Learning Program.
The knowledge that she had defied tradition in asking this spurred me on. In that infinitesimal moment, she revived a monster. The miniature Ola Rotimi in me had found root, and like a tree fern, had established a mutualistic relationship with the Einstein within. The result? A Da Vinci of the sort. With the flame now rekindled, I worked myself tired daily; researching and drafting each scene as it came, each time revelling in the knowledge that each word was a step against stereotypes.
Watching my play being acted out was one of the highest points of my life, bringing me as much joy as any of my scientific displays. For a moment I envisioned myself as Shakespeare, sitting through the premier of "MACBETH." I smiled.
When at the end of the play I was announced as the playwright, I stole a glimpse at my physics teacher. He awarded me a nod of approval as though to say, "But alas, science students DO write." My play went on to win third best at the national level. And although I am no Shakespeare, I AM A SCIENCE STUDENT AND I WRITE.
Hello,
Hello, your writing style is great and you handle several big "SAT" words well. However, this has to be one of the most conceited essays I have ever read in my 6+ years of reviewing admissions essays. Everything in this essay is about how great you are - how great your works are - how many awards you won. Also, I do not understand what you mean by science students do not write. That may be the norm in your culture, but for the reader at Stanford, that might be a foreign thought as it is to me. Because of that, you need to explain more the thought process behind that school of thinking. Intellectual vitality is about how learning excites you. It shouldn't be about you comparing yourself and works to already well established notables -AAO
Richard,
Well done. This is an essay that still gets the point across in a well put together manner. You just have a few minor issues to fix(I ventured a look inat my comrades' faces) and this essay will certainly be Stanford worthy. -AAO
I loved the topic of this essay! I would definitely say go with the second one as it better, more humbly displays your passion. I read somewhere that for schools such as Stanford and the Ivies, writing an essay overburdened with accomplishments is never a good way to go as 90% of the applicants are all extremely accomplished.
There are just a few minor corrections. The comma in this sentence initially feels wrong to me: "My love for the written word deepened and I found myself, a frequenter at my school's productions." Are you saying that you found yourself to be frequenting your school's productions (without a comma) or that you found who you truly were, a frequenter at your school's productions (with a comma)? I am sorry if that is very confusing...I almost confused myself writing it, but I hope you can see the difference, if you did indeed mean the second one then leave the sentence exactly how it is; it's wonderful!
In this sentence, "Time had nurtured my passion into love and appreciation for a forbidding art." Do you mean to use "forbidden?" It sounds more natural to me.
And going off of that last thought, natural is a word that you definitely want to stress when you are writing. Though I think this essay is extremely high quality and Stanford worthy, one thing you may want to be careful about is overusing your vocabulary. If that is the natural way you speak then congratulations, I am impressed. Still, you do not want admissions officers to think that the thesaurus aided you in writing your essay. They always want to hear your voice. Some of the best essays I have read that got accepted by the likes of Harvard used intelligent language, but not Scripps Spelling Bee language.
Again, excellent essay! As I said before (and you made clear in this essay), your grasp of language is remarkable. I would be very appreciative if you could give your input on my newest essay!
Writing had always been one of my greatest passions.
yehhh.... this piece of writing proves it :)What a writing :), Do you really search synonym for every word and then write. For me a good writing is what we called "able to understand not only pro". Anyway I am impressed with the kind of word you are using. B/w what topic suggest "Science students don't write - Stanford's essay" is itself a irony.
the "battling stereotypes" theme is one of the most tired of all, but this is a great, refreshing take on it. I love the topic. The second version of the essay wins in my book for all the reasons stated above.
