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'a science television show' - University of California Admissions Essay #2


Essay #2
I decided to apply to UC's at the last moment.
Please help me correct this as I know there are many errors in this essay!!

The University of California has a long history of students who have a plethora of talents, experiences, contributions, and personal qualities that supplies the colleges with a well-rounded student body. As a child, I always wondered about the future and about my talents. Characteristics of a jock were something I didn't seem to have. One day when I was watching a science television show, I began to be fascinated at how certain liquids would produce devastating solutions. Science is a big part of my life and still continues to be today. Every year, there was a requirement to take a new science. This requirement was the greatest accomplishment the California Education System has ever achieved. Chemistry was the subject that fascinated me the most. Dr. Brown, a chemistry teacher, was the greatest influence of my entire education. He worked with me as much as he could in order to satisfy my hunger for science. Every exam that I took, it would pleasure me because I loved chemistry dearly. Formulas, liquids, matter were parts of chemistry that enchanted me extremely. Chemistry is an interest that I hope I will master and I will bring that excitement to the University of California.

Greetings!

Oh, there aren't that many errors! Just a few minor changes and your essay will be ready.

Here is what you have written, and what I suggest:

"The University of California has a long history of students who have a plethora of talents, experiences, contributions, and personal qualities that supplies the colleges with a well-rounded student body."

I love the word "plethora," but I think "wealth" would be more idiomatically correct here.

"Characteristics of a jock were something I didn't seem to have."

I would change this to: "I didn't have the characteristics of a jock." Or, if you want to be very idiomatic, you could say: "I was no jock."

"One day when I was watching a science television show, I began to be fascinated at how certain liquids would produce devastating solutions."

I see what you're getting at here, but you don't want the UC schools to think you have the slightest interest in blowing things up! Maybe "amazing" instead of "devastating"? You are the best judge of the point you want to make, but I would advise caution.

"Science is a big part of my life . . . " This needs to start a new paragraph.

"Every exam that I took, it would pleasure me because I loved chemistry dearly."

A better way to say this would be: "Every exam I took gave me great pleasure because I loved chemistry so much." Or you could say: ". . . because I enjoyed chemistry so much."

"Formulas, liquids, matter were parts of chemistry that enchanted me extremely."

You need to change the first part of the sentence: "Formulas, liquids and matter . . . " I also suggest rewording the last part: ". . . parts of chemistry I found fascinating." Or: ". . . parts of chemistry I found extremely interesting."

"Chemistry is an interest that I hope I will master and I will bring that excitement to the University of California."

It might be better to substitute "a subject" for "an interest." You also might consider whether you "hope" or "intend" to master it. ("Intend" implies that you are determined.) Either way, you need to insert a comma after "master."

That's all! These are really small matters (except the part about the "devastating solutions," which might worry them a little!). I hope you do very well with this essay and get into the university that you want the most!

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
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