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"the scientific mind of my step-father Rob" - Commonapp personal essay


oliviaglazner 2 / 2  
Nov 1, 2010   #1
Be as critical as possible, every little bit is appreciated :)

Right-brained and left-brained, artistic yet technical, a lover of beauty but an advocate of fact. I am a smorgasbord of contradictive preferences and feelings; no two pieces of the puzzle that is my personality fit together with exactness. I accredit the differentiation of my personality to the fact that I have two dads.

Freshly mown grass, the poignant smell of spices, and numerous pairs of jeans covered in paint and torn by physical labor. These are all sights and smells that have interwoven themselves with my mental image of my biological dad, Matt. Vivid memories of a smaller version of myself, holding his hand and walking into an unfamiliar house. Looking at the collaboration of colors on the wall, hearing from strangers "Isn't your daddy talented?" I would smile and hear him whisper in my ear that this painting was of a place called Italy; maybe I could go here someday. A little older, he would take me to the botanical gardens so we could toss a Frisbee and set up easels. I would try desperately in vain to emulate the ostensible perfection on his canvas, but he would endlessly insist mine was even better. Recently, I drive myself to his house to find him on his hands and knees grouting the tile of the kitchen he built; he stops immediately to heat some of his homemade bread and cut me a plate of fresh fruit. Whimsical, passionate, and dedicated; I recall many spur of the moment camping trips in which he taught me to cook spaghetti on an outdoor grill and use red dirt as paint like our Cherokee ancestors did. The artistic abilities of my father are copious, and from him I developed my appreciation of art: in physical, musical, and culinary forms. Right-brained is an descriptive understatement, and although I did not inherit his painting, sculpting, or cooking skills, I do accredit to him my passion for playing piano, and have recently began to realize that I owe him for cultivating my interest in music from a young age.

My stepfather Rob is a complete juxtaposition to my dad Matt. A fact-oriented, goal-directed, peace-keeping neurosurgeon, he excels in any left-brained activity and consistently plays by the books. I sit in his office surrounded by tall bookshelves stacked with the likes of Gray's Anatomy, Principles of Ambulatory Medicine, and Diagnostic Neuroradiology. Throughout my life he has been a tutor, a mentor, and an inspiration. His perseverance has gained him success, his patience expands upon my knowledge, and his peaceful tendencies serve as a intercession in the numerous mother-daughter spats that frequently break out in our household. I respect him as a person, a professional, and a parent. I admire his success, and aspire to it.

While Matt reminds me to practice my piano, Rob reminds me to study for my Calculus quiz tomorrow. A dad who has amazed my friends through his artwork, and a dad who brought a brain to school on career day in fifth grade. One who paints and fantasizes over a place called Italy, and one who takes me there the summer after my 16th birthday. The dissimilarity between them continue to astonish me, but I could not be more grateful. Despite differences in their preferences and society's normal conventions, they are close friends, a lesson that has taught me more than perhaps they either could individually. The creativity of my mind has been artistically sculpted by the talented hands of my father Matt; the logic and determination has been chemically rooted in my brain by the scientific mind of my step-father Rob, and collaborating the two has generated the well-rounded, appreciative person that I am.

littlechef 10 / 33  
Nov 1, 2010   #2
These are all sights and smells that have interwoven themselves into my mental image of my biological dad, Matt

I would try desperately in vain (repetitive) to emulate the ostensible perfection on his canvas,

He is w himsical, passionate, and dedicated; I recall many spur of the moment camping trips in which he taught me to cook spaghetti on an outdoor grill and use red dirt as paint like our Cherokee ancestors did.

The dissimilarity between them continues

and together, the two has generated the well-rounded, appreciative person that I am.

You have a beautiful writing syle that truly personalizes you as a unique applicant.

Would you be willing to critique my own ;) ?

Thank you...

(Title: Abba and simplicities...recently posted...)
neoreader 4 / 6  
Nov 1, 2010   #3
A few too many adjectives for my taste, but it was very well written!
Orca29 1 / 3  
Nov 1, 2010   #4
Whimsical, passionate, and dedicated;

i thought a semi colon is between two independent clause.
Not sure but I think it should be a comma.

Good Luck.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Nov 11, 2010   #5
fit together with exactness.

I think "with exactness" is not the best way to phrase the idea...

"with precision" might be better...

complete juxtaposition ---This is another item I think might need work... Maybe I am wrong, but I don't think juxtaposition means what you are trying to make it mean here...

You try to express too much in this sentence: Despite differences in their preferences and society's normal conventions, they are close friends, a lesson that has taught me more than perhaps they either could individually. --I think you should end the sentence after the word "friends" and start a new sentence... that'll improve clarity...

:-)


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