Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 4

"Scientists investigate, engineers create" - improvisations in the end and beginning


adityakulkarni 1 / 2  
Nov 28, 2010   #1
Hey Guys I have been trying to make changes to my essay. Can you all please read it and suggest some changes. its fine if you cut short the lenght too. Thanks

Limit your response to 300 words. Reflect on your answer and be attentive to spelling and grammar. There is no "right" answer to this question.

________________________________________
Why are you interested in The Ohio State University?

""Scientists investigate that which already is;
Engineers create that which has never been.''"

This quote has always inspired me to think big and out of the box. Since my childhood days, I have always been intrigued about how things work and how one can make them more efficient. And to fulfil my dream of becoming a Aerospace Engineer I want to pursue this course in one of the world's best universities. That's where OSU comes into picture.

The feeling of a challenging small school environment in one of the largest campuses in the world; and the opportunity to study whatever interests me, even if I am still exploring what I want to be. This is why I am considering The Ohio State University. OSU has been lauded in the recent years for the diversity of its student body. In this way I can make myself aware of all cultures that endow this world and still feel at home away from home.

The OSU Aerospace program has been ranked one of the best in the nation. The program challenges students to reach their potential and interact with other like-minded people, while still giving them individual attention to achieve the most out of the college experience. This is evident by the airport operated by the OSU. The Ohio State University Airport is one of the leading general aviation facilities in the nation, providing educational opportunities to the university's students.

The best thing about Ohio State University is its plethora of opportunities. This gives me ways explore a newer sides of me. And as my idol Michael Collins said, "Exploration is not a choice, really; it's an imperative". The OSU is the place for me to enter the new stage of my life; full of new experiences and opportunities. For me, The Ohio State University represents expansion: a place where I can fully develop.

312 words

freezard7734 17 / 209  
Nov 28, 2010   #2
The feeling of a challenging small school environment in one of the largest campuses in the world; and the opportunity to study whatever interests me, even if I am still exploring what I want to bemy interests . This is why I am considering The Ohio State University.

The first sentence is a big, long phrase. You should combine this with the following sentence like:
"Ohio State University offers the feeling of a challenging small school environment and the opportunity the opportunity to study my interests."

The following statements on diversity feels out of place. You start off talking about the challenging environment and the opportunities and all of a sudden talk about diversity...

Overall, I think it is okay. However, I think you should focus more on what you plan on becoming or doing at OSU. How do you plan on using OSU's resources to achieve your dream of becoming an Aerospace Engineer?

Also, I feel that you began to drift focus away from the quote as you progressed through the essay. I'm not sure if that's ok. In my opinion, you should keep the quote alive and fresh and part of your main thesis in the short answer.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Dec 11, 2010   #3
This quote has always inspired me to think big and outside the box. ---I like it more this way.

2 L's: And to fulfill my ...

Use a pair of commas in this situation:
And as my idol, Michael Collins, said, "Exploration is ...

You have a great theme. I suggest using the word expansion somewhere in the first paragraph so that the reader will recognize it as a theme when you use it at the end.
aelee523 3 / 8  
Dec 11, 2010   #4
I like the quote at the beginning and i think its very appropriate however, as the essay went on you faded to more just naming what OSU is, and they already know those things. You should keep your focus more on why they should pick you and how you're a good match for them. The beginning was memorable. The rest was a very typical essay of this type.

Hope this helps! Good Luck!


Home / Undergraduate / "Scientists investigate, engineers create" - improvisations in the end and beginning