Hello everyone can you check my essay and grammer or any mistakes that I have made. thank you
Hi everyone Today I would like to introduce myself. My name is Amirul. I am 25 years old and I came from an ordinary family. I was born and grew up in my Muar. When I was a child I am naught boy. My parents always scold me. But when I became adult I am shy person because I think I am not perfect enough. Besides that, Why I am here, because I am studying in college and at the same time I am learning public speaking in Mahadhir Academy at Bukit Jalil. Currently, I am studying information security in Kolej University Poly-Tech MARA Kuala Lumpur because I would like to be a programmer. I really love this field because it really challenges me and also we can learn how to secure our data or information from the hacker. That all about me. Thank you.
Please correct the following mistakes.
Hi everyone Today (no capital letter here) ...
When I was a child I am (was) naught (naughty) boy.
... I would like to become a programmer.
... challenges me and also we can learn ... from the hacker (this part is not parallel with the previous part). That's all about me.
Amirul, your essay is too rushed and does not effectively introduce you to the listener. You may wish to consider using introductory topic sentences and transition sentences in between discussion topics and information presentation so that the listener does not feel overwhelmed and confused by your presentation. The topic and transition sentences are actually part and parcel of an effective speech presentation as it helps the listener keep track of the information you are presenting. By the way, since there are differences between UK and US English, you have to tell us which version of the language you are studying so that the proper grammar advice can be given to you. Right now, I will assume that you are studying for the IELTS and that you have to become familiar with the UK English version. My advice will be applicable to that learning setting.
Remember to add a comma after the word "also" when you are adding new, but unrelated information in a sentence. You should also use a comma when writing a greeting so that you can add a pause which will allow you to breathe and give the listener time to prepare for the next half of your speech. There is also a need to use a comma when describing a past event such as "But when I became an adult, I am a ..."It appears that you required the use of a comma throughout most of your presentation. You have to familiarize yourself with the methods by which a comma is used in general English writing.
The constant need for a comma in your sentences prove that you are writing run-on sentences. Rather than constantly requiring the use of a comma, it would be better if you learned how to write simple and complex sentences that use a full stop,. represented by a period at the end of every sentence. It makes the paragraph easier to read on your part, and allows the listener a chance to digest the information you have just provided before moving on to the next one.