Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
The wait was interminable and the atmosphere somber, then finally my name was called. The nurse escorted us to Dr. Brookenthal's office where he confirmed his suspicions, and so began my life with scoliosis. Since the age of three I have studied dance and gymnastics. I was a competitive dancer for eleven years, and now had to contemplate a life without the activities I felt defined my identity. The treatment for my scoliosis involved wearing a hard plastic brace, and the trick was making it look like I wasn't. With severe restrictions on my physical activity, I had quite a bit of free time on my hands.
While I have worked with various causes throughout the years, I decided to channel my energies to one in particular. My mother has several friends who were diagnosed with breast cancer which prompted her to volunteer in support of her friends. Since these were women I knew well I thought what a great way to help and work with mother as well. The organization is called the Circle of Hope and it provides both emotional and financial support to breast cancer patients who live in the Santa Clarita Valley. Throughout my countless volunteer hours I met women of all ages, nationalities and income levels. I sat and listened to women who just needed to talk with someone or a shoulder to cry on. At times I ran errands for them or just sat quietly with them. As the months went on I spent as much free time as I could to help with fund raising, flyer distribution and basically any other project where they needed an extra set of hands.
I realized that while my scoliosis prevented me from doing the activities I loved, my life would still go on. These women however, could not always say the same. I think that this was a turning point in my life. It brought me to a level of maturity that enabled me to see past my limitations and resentment for my diagnosis. I've been living with scoliosis now for three years and while it is not always pain free, it is manageable. Scoliosis, as it turned out was not the end of my world but actually the beginning of a new direction in my life. It has renewed my strength of character and made me realize how much I take for granted. It is amazing how in only three short years my perspective on what is really important has changed. I can now understand the phrase "every cloud has a silver lining" or in this case, a pretty pink lining.
Thanks!
Your essay is very well written! You expressed your situation eloquently and in your own voice. There are a few things you may want to edit though:
The wait was interminable and the atmosphere somber, then finally my name was called.
This sentence is awkwardly phrased; maybe try "After an interminable wait in the somber waiting room of the hospital, my name was called."
Scoliosis, as it turned out was not the end of my world but actually the beginning of a new direction in my life.
Add a comma in between "out" and "was."
Also, your syntax is very predictable and gets slightly redundant. Most of your sentences go something like: "After this, I was that." or "Through that, I learned this." Try to mix it up with the sentence structure to make your essay more engaging.
Other than that your essay is excellent! :) Great job and good luck!
