Hey guys, I was told today that I should focus on just one subject, and rewrite my whole essay. But im still not sure if I'm even answering the prompt right. Please read my essay and correct me on everything, I'm really nervous.
prompt #1: "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
Screaming, yelling, and arguing are the pictures that come to mind whenever I think back to my childhood. I was only four years old, but I already saw the horrible side of mankind. My father had lost his job in India, my mother became the only income for my family. I remember walking three kilometers to school holding the hand of my pregnant mother, no one would care to help us. Even when my sister was born, my aunt would not bother to change her diaper, feed her, or even try to stop the crying. But now, she refuses to acknowledge that this ever occurred. I saw how money ruined lives. Poverty at a young age inspired me; I now know I should never put money ahead of my true goals. Now, I only look at whether an opportunity for work will make me a better person, instead of worrying about the financial aspects.
Coming to this country at the age of nine was not easy. I buried myself in books, texts, and anything I could to get better at English. In the summer of 2004, I had probably spent more hours at the library than home. I passed the fifth grade state writing exam that year, which boosted my confidence and made me realize that I could be successful in this new country. However, I was also very naïve; I did get good grades, but I never had any impact on my surroundings. I never did anything to help my community, but all of this changed when I entered sophomore year in high school.
I came home one day and learned that my great aunt had just passed away. Although she never had any impact on me, watching my mother mourn over her made me curious. That day, I learned the true history of my family. My great aunt was one of the thirteen women who fought for women's rights in India; she had been jailed more than twenty times in her life. She was a freedom fighter, but I had never known about her significance. I also learned that my grandfather received his college diploma from India's first Prime Minister, Jawaharlal Nehru, and that my great grandfather was one of the greatest musicians in Southern India. I was ashamed; my ancestors had done so much to try to change this world, while I had done absolutely nothing. After this day, I changed. I started volunteering at the local food bank as soon as I could. Over the course of two years, I have helped my food bank start a recycling section, a computerized system, and have earned the title of "team leader" for all the volunteers every time I enter the warehouse. Then, I took up an internship with the Artist's Rights Movement, which ensures that artists are treated fairly. Although I am not an artist, I believe standing up for others will make the world a better place.
Learning about the significance of my great aunt, grandfather, and great grandfather has changed my perspective of this world. Most of my family members have careers in business and software; they only care about their own financial status. I now realize that I am the one who needs to bring change to society, just as my ancestors did in their time. After thinking long and hard for three years, I have finally decided what I want to do for my generation. I aspire to be an environmental engineer. Global Warming and other environmental issues are some the biggest problems that we face; I hope to become as great as my ancestors, or die trying.
Overall, AWESOME! the admissions readers would like the way you displayed your transformation from being detached from society to your more proactive involvement now, i would just try to emphasize that a bit more, just for added measure. The only real problems with the essay are just the nitty gritty parts, like of course minor grammar issues and such but also sentence structure that would help you flow your idea with better transitions. Just ask an english teacher to revise your essay and see how to connect it better For example your intro, although catchy and interesting in the beginning became cluttered and slightly confusing with with the style. Not only that but it seemed to lack relevance to the rest of the essay, simply clearing that up and emphasizing your transformation will go a long ways. Again awesome job! and good luck! :)
Great essay, i truly think you will go far. The one place i became confused was when you started going through your family and the things they did and then suddenly back to a random day. I would put your family stuff after you said you did not have any impact to your surroundings. then have a transition like " but my family has had a greater impact than me...then go into their history.
Hi Mohamed,
I don't believe your essay contradict each other. Each talks about your passion for helping others and your desire to make a difference. It might be helpful to focus on two different topics for your essays, but if you are pressed for time I realize that may not be possible. Just a few small suggestions:
I will fight this for my generation and become great like my ancestors, If I don't, I will die trying. This is a run-on sentence. Try something like: I hope I can contribute to the world as much as my ancestors did. Let the words be your own, but change the sentence structure a bit.
Additionally, the love I receive from helping others, the fact that they admire what I do is also what engages me in this quality. The same thing occurs in this situation.
The first essay definitely seems to be the stronger of the two, but both essays have tremendous potential. The best of luck to as you pursue a career in environmental engineering.
This is a touching essay, but maybe you could come up with a title with a more positive message. Positivity is appealing, people wil enjoy your message, it is a good one, positive and uplifting, you suceeded in the face of adversity, but approach your title with a "glass half full" not empty approach. I think your message is beyond that negativity you experienced in the past. Maybe an omage to your ancestors? they inspired you to do better and give back to your community right? Any how, it seems you have become a productive member of our society, thank you and good luck.
