Consider your talents and strengths, academic and otherwise. What is one thing you do really well?
Hello,everyone. I am applying for the Ohio State University, and this is my draft to this question. English is my second language and I am not very good at it, so there may be a lot of grammatical mistakes in this essay. Any suggestion will be appreciated, and I want to say thanks in advance.
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If I can only say one thing I do really well, I believe it is that I can be scrupulous in everything. I didn't realize why a man should be patient with his work until I was in high school.
I was the Minister of Health in the student government in high school, and one of my important jobs was to supervise the students to clean the school compound. I was not so careful about this task at first. I just wandered around the main roads to see if there if the students had cleaned them, and I seemed to be very good. However, after a few weeks, when I adventitiously passed by a corner of the school, I found a large pile of trash, smelly, with a large quantity of flies around it. It is shameful that I didn't even know this situation before just because of my carelessness.
I dealt with the problem immediately. What's more, I have learnt to be always scrupulous in my work. With patience, I found myself able to study more efficiently, and work better.
If I can (replace with could) only say one thing I do really well (this does not help your next sentence. Scrupulous is a adjective so you cant "do well" in scrupulous. Hope you understand what I mean), I believe it is that I can (am) scrupulous in everything. (these two sentences have nothing in common; you need a transition) I didn't realize why a man (one) should be patient with his (^or her; or you could put their) work until I was in high school.
I was (if you are still put am) the Minister of Health in the student government in high school (it would be better to put the year; like senior or sophomore), and one of my important jobs was to supervise the students to clean the school compound. I was not so (very) careful about this task at first. I just wandered around the main roads to see if there if the students had cleaned them, (put ; otherwise the sentence will be runon) and I seemed to be very good. However, after a few weeks, when I adventitiously (this word seems like one you took directly from a dictionary. You sound more natural. If this is from your vocabulary fine, just make it sound more natural and fluid) passed by a corner of the school, I found a large pile of trash, smelly (put, I found a smelly large pile of trash), with a large quantity (quantity can't be used for flies; try "a lot") of flies around it. It is shameful that I didn't even know this situation before just because of my carelessness. (This sentence is awkward. Put, I was ashamed to see that this was a result of my carelessness).
I dealt with the problem immediately. What's more, I have learnt to be always scrupulous in my work. With patience, I found myself able to study more efficiently, and work better. (Nice ending, I like it! It ties everything together)
In the introduction you start to talk about how scrupulous you are, however you need to say that you attained the trait through an event (which is the garbage event. This is my opinion, hope you get it!!
Thank you for your help,Kofi Boadu.
It's generous of you to give me so much of your time.
Your advice do help me a lot, and I really appreaciate it.
no problem! Good luck! :)
I like the theme! Being scrupulous is a good quality.
I didn't realize why a man person should be...---gender inclusive
And right here, let's explain better:
... patient with his work until I noticed my own shortcoming and corrected it. was in high school.
:-)
Thank you for your advice, and thanks for your appreciation, Kevin.
It is really better than my original work.
