I'm honestly a really terrible writer, so any help and revisions would be greatly appreciated. I feel like the first couple sentences are kind of awkward, and I think the sentences might have to be structured differently to sound better. :/
Sample Essay
The sea has always deeply fascinated me. Growing up I can remember my room and how it looked. I had a very intricate mural that had whales, turtles and vividly colored waves and corals intertwined within it, lamp sculptures that looked like dolphins, and a little fish tank in which was home to my pet fish, "Landrew". I couldn't tell you exactly where my passion came from. Having lived in Las Vegas for most of my life, I didn't get to spend much time near the ocean. I can tell you though, that growing up with such a love for the ocean has not only opened my eyes to a world of environmental issues and possibilities, but has also defined and shaped the person I am today. I am hopeful that through this love and passion, I will be able to make a positive difference in the world.
High school was one of the most memorable periods in my life. I played sports, had lots of friends, and fell in love for the first time, although I had an incredible passion for learning, one could say that I became somewhat distracted by the festivities around me and outside of school. I received decent grades and always managed to pull through, but it occurred to me that I hadn't really done anything of significance at this point in my life. I realized that I had to start somewhere.
Growing up in the desert, I knew that there wasn't a lot of opportunity that related to what I wanted to do. Often times I would just sit at home watching "The Blue Planet: Seas of life" documentaries, wishing that I could move somewhere else. Somewhere I could learn, grow, discover, and accomplish my dreams, but after many attempts of trying to get a job in California, and Washington, and various other places, I realized that perhaps I just needed to bloom where I was planted and make the best of what was in front of me.
I landed a job at a casino off the Las Vegas strip in early January of last year as a tour guide, and so far it has come to be one of the most rewarding and challenging things I have ever done.
By the way I noticed that I posted this in the undergraduate admissions essays, but it is actually just a first sample of my English 100 class. The teacher asked us to write a little bit about our past and about our plans for the future now that we're in college.
Thanks!
The sea has always deeply fascinated me.---I really like how you started this, with 'the sea' and 'deeply'. It's a nice play on words!
Having lived in Las Vegas for most of my life, I didn't get to spend much time near the ocean.
I can tell you though, that growing up with such a love for the ocean has not only opened my eyes to a world of environmental issues and remarkable discoveries, but has also defined and shaped the person I am today. ---This is great!
You are not a terrible writer, your essay 'flows' nicely and is very descriptive. Are you going into biology? If so, this is a perfect lead in. When you finish your essay, send it back and we'll have another look!
:)
Thank you sooo much!
I am going into Biology! This is my 4th day of college and I am very excited :)
Hi! Sorry it took me so long to see this, but it was a miracle that I did, as you should have started a new thread. Yay, it's good to know you're in Biology and have kept your passion all these years!
Growing up, I can remember my room and how it looked.
...lamp sculptures that looked like dolphins, and a little fish tank in which was home to my pet fish, "Landrew".---Ha ha! Landrew!! I love it!
I received decent grades and always managed to pull through, but it occurred to me that I hadn't really done anything of significance ---I think you should just add the word 'yet' here, and end the sentence.
---at this point in my life.
Growing up in the desert, I knew that there weren't a lot of opportunities relating to what I wanted to do.
Somewhere I could learn, grow, discover, and accomplish my dreams, but after many attempts at trying to get a job in California, and Washington, and various...
Nice powerful ending! Good luck!
:)
