This is my rough draft for the admissions essay to the University of Arizona. Please help edit this as soon as possible.
Prompt: A personal statement is our best means of getting to know you and your best means of putting your academic performance and activities in the context of your life. There are no "wrong" answers. When you write your personal statement, tell us about those aspects of your life that are not evident from your academic record. Because personal statements are brief, they usually focus on one aspect of a student's life. For example, you could focus on a character-defining moment, a cultural awareness, a challenge faced, family background or cultural heritage, individual talents, academic commitment, or extracurricular activities. Tell us what you would like us to know about you in considering you for admission and/or scholarships.
I'm not sure if the essay really follows the prompt given, but it's what I immediately thought of, so I wrote about it. The heart of the essay is really in the last paragraph, and I'm not sure if that's where it should be. Please help edit this.
My eyes were constantly searching the New Mexico landscape as my family drove west on a deserted two-lane highway. As we passed through the outskirts of a small town, I finally saw, off in the distance, a collection of white radio antennas. As the distant object grew larger, I was able to make out more detail and see the Y-formation visible in pictures. We had arrived at the Very Large Array (VLA).
For a late birthday present, my family decided to drive from our home in Arizona to the radio observatory made famous in the movie Contact. As an aspiring astrophysicist, I had always wanted to see the amazing landmark.
After we parked near the visitor's center, my family walked over to where the tours began. Inside, there were tables full of information about the VLA and how radio astronomy works. What interested me the most, however, was the physicist who showed us a display about the spectral lines created when light passes through matter. His lively personality and apparent love of his career choice only served to reinforce my previous decision to pursue a job in physics and astronomy.
When the tour began I was delighted to discover that an astronomer was to serve as our tour guide. I listened intently to every word he said about the observatory and how it has contributed to astronomy since it was made. When the tour reached the control room, we were able to listen to the operators talk about how they monitor the antennas. I was amazed to discover that most astronomers who use the observatory are not actually at the VLA. Instead, astronomers from around the world can control the antennas remotely to gather their data. I was also surprised to learn that since the electronics have been updated, astronomers have collected more data than they can possibly analyze.
After the tour ended, my family had a chance to walk around and take pictures. The true size of the radio antennas cannot be truly appreciated until they are seen up close. Watching an antenna move from only a few yards away was one of the defining moments of the entire trip.
After I stared in awe at the antenna for a few minutes, I decided to listen to a lecture given by another astronomer who works at the VLA. His captivating presentation was about the evolution of stars and how astronomers are able to use data from the VLA to retrieve information from distant objects. I was extremely impressed by the presenter's attitude towards the subject; I could tell that he loved his job.
This exciting trip came to a conclusion shortly after the lecture, and we drove back home. However, my experience at the VLA will stay with me forever. The physicists and astronomers I had the privilege to listen to were some of the most amazing people I have ever met. I could tell that all of the workers loved their jobs, and they were extremely happy to talk about what they do. The experience I had at the VLA will continue to motivate me to pursue my dream of becoming an astrophysicist through my education at the University of Arizona.
... I was able to make out more detail and see the Y-formation visible in the pictures.
After we parked near the visitor's center, my family and I walked over to where the tours began.
When the tour began, I was delighted to discover that an astronomer was to serve as our tour guide.
After the tour ended, my familywe had a chance to walk around and take pictures.
I think your essay is awesome, and very well written. It shows your passion, how cool your family was to encourage you, and also that you're an intelligent person who they'll be lucky to have as a student. Good luck and have fun!
:)
