hi, all
I wanted someone to help me with this prompt. i feel as if my essay isn't making a strong enough argument. It would be greatly appreciated if i could get some tips, edifications and corrections. I typed some questions at the bottom that if answered, i believe i can make the essay much better.
Open to criticism and comment.
also keep in mind that this only a draft and i have yet to finish the ending. Any ideas there would be helpful too. Thanks
Prompt: If you had a second chance -- the opportunity to do something over and do it differently -- what would you choose to do over and what changes would you make?
Statement of 250-1,000 words.
Essay:
In life, the opportunity to erase the mistakes of the past and start over never truly occur. Typically, your actions result in consequences, whether they are good or bad. You simply learn from them and move on. If I had the chance to change the course in my life and replay those moments differently, without any doubt in my soul, I would. For me, this would be a decision I made about 3 and half years ago to attend a community college for a degree I felt mediocre with as appose to something I have a passion for.
I recall that moment where the decision was made. I remember that sunny dry day and how I was filled with a deep sense of urgency. My sister and I were engaged in a discussion on her future. She was very conflicted on what to do for a college degree. Her questions made me pause for a long moment. I couldn't really answer her. I wasn't sure if it was better to work hard for risky dreams or play it safe with something you knew that would be useful. Clueless, I told her, " I'd get back to you on that". It really got me think about how to shape my own destiny. I took some time to think about it, I found myself faced with making a decision for a career in something I was content with and a decent life or, find myself as a degree-holder in something I adored, working at a local coffee house as a barista. Whether or not this one-dimensional dichotomy was true, seemed irrelevant to me at the time. I read, whether from articles on Yahoo's front page or heard from family, that many college graduates are faced with gargantuan debt and a degree that was nearly useless in the real world. Pursing a degree at a community college in Computer Technology seemed logical, and not to mention, financially reasonable. It was little in terms of investment yet It had huge potential for exponential return. When it came to IT versus Science, Computer Technology appeared to be the better of the two options. I did a leap of faith in my judgment and chose Computer Technology.
The realization of this choice in Computer technology was a mistake became very apparent with a regressive academic records and dulling in work performance. I dreaded the course I took. They were unbelievably boring. I found myself procrastinating and simply unable to focus on my course work. After making necessary changes to work habits, communicating and working with my professors to yield better results, not much improved. Later, I begin employment with a profession that I didn't realize would be tough to contend with. Operating a tractor-trailer 70 hours a week, didn't leave much room for education. Spending many months trying to juggle school and work only seemed to have made the situation worse. As a professional driver, I was able to earn enough to pay down previous on loans however ultimately It wasn't worth the accompanied tribulations. This previous summer I was at the breaking point and knew I needed a second opportunity, a new beginning.
In many ways a second start as already began. I took steps to clean up the past taking control of the present for a better future. Cutting out my previous employment for something local and less hours, made room possible for academic healing. Switching major concentrations allowed for earlier completion of my degree not to mention room for other coursework. Courses in calculus will be important to getting started in the new major. Preparations are currently underway to test into the class next semester. Language study in basic German is also underway. These plans will take hold this semester and next semester. At the very most, I can do is to the make the best of the situation at hand.
...
Also i'm not particularly strong with conclusions, help here would be greatly appreciated.
Do you believe my essay answers the prompt?
Is it clear and consistant, if not, what can be done to fix it?
How is the structure of the essay?
How could the essay be better?
Where do you see that there needs to be more improvement?
Once agian, thank you all for reading and i appreciate any comments and additions.
Hi Zachary!
First of all stop worrying about the word limit.Editing is easy. And you have a very generous word limit.
Your essay just rambles on without getting to the point.
You need to "recreate" that point in your life when you had to make a difficult choice.
And how you look back and regret the fact that you made the wrong decision and possibly wasted
many years. You need to bring all these things out in your essay.
Many of the sentences are repetitive and that makes the essay boring.
You can wind up the essay by writing how you wish things were different but also how you have moved on in life.
Rework and post it up again,ok.
thanks for your reply, although...lol i'm not Zachary. but i do appreciate your comments.
I did make an attempt to incorporate what you mention above into the revised version. this version doesn't have a conclusion yet just everything else..I hope that you find it less of a rambling and actually has a central point. I did add another paragraph ( third paragraph)...but i was hesitant to do it. I think it adds more background to the events in the essay. I also dont want to sound like i'm whining about my situation. I hope i avoided that here...
thanks
In life, the opportunity to erase the mistakes of the past and start over never truly occurs .
... I felt mediocre with as apposed to something I have a passion for.
Some people write as "opposed" to...
I think both are correct, but the reader may mistakenly believe you misspelled it, because many people write "opposed."
Clueless, I told her, " I'd I'll get back to you on that."
I took some time to think about it, and I found myself faced with making a decision for between a career in something I was content with, finding myself as a degree-holder in something I adored, and working at a local coffee house as a barista. ----I tried to fix this sentence... but it is still a little awkward. It might be better to simplify it and break it into a few sentences.
Let's use "took"-------> I took a leap of faith in my judgment and chose Computer Technology.
:-) This is enjoyable to read!
Typically, your actions result in consequences, whether they are good or bad.
The end (whether they are good or bad) seems a bit unnecessary. To make the sentence more concise, removie it. Being good or bad are broad enough terms to cover any possible outcome, so they are unnecessary.
