This is the first draft of my personal statement. It's too long though, about 700. Please help me elaborate the essay and check errors. I'm not sure whether this is too personal... Help wanted. Thanks in advance!
Topic: If you had a second chance -- the opportunity to do something over and do it differently -- what would you choose to do over and what changes would you make?
"I want nothing to do with him! I don't love him and I never have!" with these words I slapped the door of my room and made it crystal that letting my dad be back under this roof was nonnegotiable with me. The story of our family flashed before my eyes like an old movie with the background music of the sobbing of my mom.
"I don't love him!" back then I never thought that I would regret saying this.
Every family has a hero, one who brings laughter and pride and one who is the center of conversation at the dinner table. In our case, the hero was me. My excellent grades and wonderful stories from school were my mom's only consolation. My father was absent a lot. He drank. He gambled. Hardly had he taught me anything when I was a kid. All I did was exerting myself to be the exact opposite of him.
When I was about five he got into jail for reasons they never told me and I never asked. Later on he got out and managed to make some money by driving a taxi. It seemed things were getting better until his taxi was hit by a huge truck on his way home after drinking with his friends celebrating that his second child was a boy; that happened on the same day my brother was born. He miraculously survived the crash but the car was totally wrecked, leaving us in deep debt.
When I was in high school my parents saved some money and opened a convenience store at a good location. I actually thought this time was different until my father lost all our money in gambling, including my college fund, which my mom had been saving for years. They got divorced this time and I couldn't care less about his leaving. He was so irresponsible that I lost hope for his change. Now after two year's divorce my father wanted to get back together and I couldn't think of a single reason for this except that he simply needed a place to stay.
However they got remarried anyway but my father didn't come to live with us which is fine by me. He paid part of my tuition. (Unfortunately in China even the highest scholarship couldn't pay off all your tuitions in college.) But I was planning to pay him back with interest as soon as I graduate and get a job. I exerted myself in college and I ranked number one in my class for two years. I joined the school's basketball team and I was popular. Nobody ever knows the story of my life.
Several months ago my mom told me that we could come to live in America with my father. He's in America?! There were so many questions in my head. It's been almost four years he's been away doing god knows what with who, but I simply agreed because I want me and my brother to receive the best education in the world.
The moment I saw him at the airport, I knew he was different. Much older but never seemed so calm, sober and healthy before. He smiled at me and I grinned back automatically. The thought" just because I can come to America because of him does not mean that I have to forgive him and be nice with him" now seems so stupid and childish. It surprised me that we talked normally like a family on our way to the apartment he's living in since we seldom had any practice talking. Nobody said anything about the past.
Last night I overheard him telling my mom how much he loved us and I realized how much I love him as well, and not just because I have to. It hit me that I was never that innocent all the time. I never gave him no chance or believed that he can change and I was embarrassed to be seen with him as a teenager. Guilt catches me now every time I recall that night I told my mom that I didn't love my father. I'm not even sure my mom told him what I had said but I feel like I own him an apology for not trusting him. Whatever he got through these four years I have no idea, but if I were to do that again I would hold his hands and tell him that I have faith in him and I love him. I should be there for him when he regenerated.
All I did was exert myself to be...
This sentence is confusing: Nobody ever knows the story of my life. Maybe not necessary...
...but I simply agreed because I wanted the best education in the world for my brother and myself.
I never gave him a chance or believed that he could change, and I was embarrassed to be...
What a great story! This really shows your maturity. It takes personal strength to admit you were wrong about someone. When I grew up, I also forgave my father for his drinking and gambling and absence, because I realized that life is hard and that we all need to try to be happy! But I had not known that as a kid.
With this essay, I think it is not too personal at all. I think personal is what they are looking for. Now just look at each paragraph individually and see what you can do to SAY AS MUCH with FEWER WORDS so you can cut it down to the correct size. In writing it is often possible to say as much in fewer words, and that makes it more powerful.
Good luck!!! I'm glad you had such a powerful start in life, powerful insights...
"about his leaving" -about him leaving
You say you need to make your essay shorter. I believe that you are the only person that can do this since you are the only person that will know what sentence or part to eliminate depending on the value it has to you. A good advice is to leave your essay alone and after a day or two(forget about it) and then read it again and you will find any changes you want to make.
Good luck!!!!!!
Thanks a lot! I'm so glad you like this. Now I'm more confident with this essay.
I fix the grammar mistakes, but I am still not able to make it shorter. I don't know what else to do. The online application system let me put all the 700-word-essay in but the university says 500 words or fewer...Can I ignore the word limit? Can you please give some examples on how to make this essay shorter because I run out of ideas...
As I see it, your essay is fraught with dozens of errors -- some clear cut, others not so much.
- the opening sentence is hysterical -- not the best way to begin.
- the one after it, "with these words I slapped the door of my room and made it crystal that letting my dad be back under this roof was nonnegotiable with me.", doesn't do a great deal to justify it. Capitalize the first word (With*). did you really "slap" the door, or slam* it shut? crystal clear* is the standard idiom. *letting my dad back under this roof was unacceptable (not an option)* >> a hasty fix up of numerous errors, the hardest to discern being your misuse of the word "non-negotiable." Look up the word; it means "not subject to discussion" in a nutshell. It doesn't mean anything about whatever is non-negotiable as far as what the decision is. In other words, you could be letting your dad back in, and that action isn't up for debate.
- the next few sentences are redundant and overly personal -- inept to be concise.
I didn't read any further. The essay cannot be salvaged after your opening salvo. Good luck on your next attempt/revision.
Thanks Mustafa1991! English is not my native language so I may be making some mistakes without knowing it. I hope you could read the rest of my essay and pick out errors like the ones you have written above. Because it's difficult for me to find out errors like that. Basically I just translate the Chinese in my head into English, so I really need your help. Thanks a million!!
PS. Actually I was pretty hysterical that day...
Ok, but I'm not going to nitpick grammar errors, instead I'll focus on the subject matter.
- "I don't love him!" back then I never thought that I would regret saying this.
There is no need to restate the baneful words. If your reader is intelligent they will infer it from your reflection of regret; if they cannot, they probably aren't worth so much effort.
- "Every family has a hero, one who brings laughter and pride and one who is the center of conversation at the dinner table. In our case, the hero was me."
"Every" has a precise definition, and in fact what you state is not true of every family. Even if it was true, you would have no way of knowing it, therefore your statement is unsupported and frivolous. Be wary of exalting yourself distastefully.
- My excellent grades and wonderful stories from school were my mom's only consolation. My father was absent a lot. He drank. He gambled. He hardly taught me anything when I was a kid. All I did was exert myself to be the exact opposite of him.
When I was five he went to jail for reasons they never told me -- I never asked. Later on he got out and managed to make some money by driving a taxi. It seemed things were getting better until his taxi was hit by a huge truck on his way home, after drinking with his friends in celebration of the fact his second child was a boy; this occurred the same day my brother was born. He miraculously survived the crash but the car was totally wrecked, leaving us in deep debt.
If your father taught you hardly anything during childhood, the fact remains true today. The comment following this sentence is out of place because it draws your reader into expecting elaboration and detail. When you talk of your father being released and driving a taxi, it seems unconventional to mention money. The last sentence in the paragraph again refers to money, without much context (grant you that he gambled) or background, not enough for a reasonable person to deduce a framework.
"I'm not sure whether this is too personal..."
I already addressed this: it is very personal and ineffectual for a personal statement.
If I was in your position, I would not even remotely consider publishing to a third party something of the nature. I strongly recommend you choose another topic and whatever you decide, any observations I've voiced so far have been with reluctance, for the sole purpose of helping you correct errors and improve your writing skills and mine. This can be done no less effectively with other work you submit, so I can't help you further with the current essay.
