Hi! I just joined essay forum and i am impressed by the insight of its members. I wrote this in answering common app essay 1; "Evaluate a significant experience,achievement,risk or ethical dilemma you have faced and how it has impacted you" All critiques are appreciated.
I first developed a passion for Engineering and Applied Physics after hearing about my high school's annual Speech and Prize Giving Day Exhibitions. I fell in love with the metamorphosis of mere ideas into tactile creations, and revelled in the knowledge that these creations contributed to solving pertinent problems. This passion gave new life to ordinary WASSCE and O level physics classes, and fuelled my imagination; giving me room to consider the diverse plausible applications of everyday phenomena such as thermo-related expansion.
With time this passion grew as I got involved in the functioning of our school's science club. I was elected the fresher class rep, and was given the task of assembling a group of equally enthusiastic freshmen. We were given a spot in the approaching speech day science fest and were to come up with our own exhibit. It was a blast! After what were countless nights of research and round table meetings, we came up with the idea of accident prevention using wind powered straw cars coupled with magnets of like polarity. Our exhibit was heralded by all as arguably one of the best of the day. And to crown my joy, I was awarded the prize for best science student in the freshman year.
Second year saw no decline in my enthusiasm as I was constantly amidst what had now become my inner group of science fanatics, arguing or contemplating the details of what should be our next exhibit. By March, our highly anticipated science exhibition was nearing and we were bristling with ideas. I, after the previous year's achievement, was eager to pull off another crowd wooer. It was in light of this that I proposed the ethanol powered rocket. My rocket was to operate on the principle of jet propulsion and was to be powered by ethanol extracted from sugarcane. This idea met opposition both from within and without.
My superiors argued that it would be too expensive and advised that I resort to something less costly. Unwilling to chuck in my obsession, I altered the requirements, opting for cheaper materials against my colleagues' better judgement. Unable to countenance the new me, some of my partners broke off and joined other groups. Apathy stole into the hearts of what was left of my partners and eventually, my rocket dream emerged the greatest debacle of my 16years. In the end, I was made to settle with demonstrations to 8th and 9th graders on the use of a stroboscope in identifying wave forms and properties. I swept 8 prizes that speech day; 7 academic prizes and one memorable experience.
That day, I learnt 3 lessons that have successfully governed my life and were responsible for my subsequent achievements. First; never trivialise good counsel. Whether it was chairing weekly prefect meetings, or meeting with the Graduation Planning Committee, I learnt to see reason in and to value the contributions of my fellows while applying those contributions to reason.
Secondly, it taught me the values of dispassionate judgement and self-restraint. This meant I could dream big yet objectively. In my third year, I co-assembled an automated house that drew clothes lines in during rain, while converting the mechanical energy generated into power for a fan and heating element that dried the drawn clothes. Although initially reluctant, I sought the help of my high school seniors, who occasionally altered my original write up, thus ensuring my success.
Finally, it helped me appreciate Reinhold Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer; always searching for ways to improve my society while accepting that at times, the time may not be right.
Very descriptive and shows that you have a real passion for engineering and science which is what colleges are going to look for (and love!)
That being said, there are a few grammatical inconsistencies. In the first few paragraphs you overused commas before "and." A comma should be used only when the "and" connects two complete sentences. For example, "This passion gave new life to ordinary WASSCE and O level physics classes, and fuelled my imagination." Since "fueled my imagination" is not a complete sentence, no comma is needed.
Along those same lines, every time a semicolon was used in this essay, it was incorrect. A semicolon (like the comma I just said) is only used to combine two complete sentences. Often times, you used it to distinguish an appositive in cases such as "This passion gave new life to ordinary WASSCE and O level physics classes, and fuelled my imagination; giving me room to consider the diverse plausible applications of everyday phenomena such as thermo-related expansion." Instead, either a comma or a dash should be used. In your last line, I'd say separate it with a colon as you are telling what the prayer is (I assume).
Overall, great essay! I got a good sense of who you are and what matters to you!
You seem to have a gift for writing, so if you could please check out mine, it would be much appreciated!
