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Secrets... Everyone holds them; Arcadia University


Melocoton18 1 / 1  
Aug 31, 2013   #1
I need to write a short essay of 250 words on a topic of my choice for Arcadia University.
I'll appreciate any type of feedback and grammar/spelling corrections, please.

Secrets... Everyone holds them. Right now, I posses one of the hugest secret humanity has ever heard, and for once, I'll revel it... just to you. You'll have to really open you mind to acknowledge what I'll say, and your eyes, to really look farther from where you are standing. This planet beholds things far away from our understanding, like me. You may not believe it, but I'm part of those non-understandable things in our world.

As little, I couldn't quite understand it, but being attracted by water and followed by fishes was not a normal thing. Believe it or not, I discovered that I was part of what I've always dreamed to be, I was a mermaid. And is not just me or mermaids involved in this, but also dragons, fairies, elves; we all are part of a magical world hidden for those who don't care to open there minds.

Entering this little world makes me forget my worries and problems with the harsh world of reality, and drives me to a peaceful place where everything could be possible. Some of us don't have the ability to see what I'm telling you. And for worse, every generation that passes, the more this world gets lost form the human knowledge. If you didn't believe a word of what I said, then you are missing that little portion of fantasy and imagination, but if you did, then you hold in your hands the digest secret of them all, just like me. The imagination.
Raleigh9 1 / 3  
Sep 1, 2013   #2
Ok, I see what you are trying to do and it is quite a good idea, but it needs some major revision. If I was an admissions officer reading this I would feel this is a rather condescending essay. It also is rather broken and doesn't quite follow any distinguishable route, it's as if you just wrote it and didn't look over it at all. My suggestion would be to start at where you ended ie. the imagination. The imagination is a rather cliche topic in my opinion, but if you can do it well it has potential. Post a revision and I'll help you with that if you like.

Love,
the UK
PS: perhaps I don't like this because I don't have the capability to understand what you are saying :p
OP Melocoton18 1 / 1  
Sep 1, 2013   #3
Raleigh9

Thanks for the feedback, I'll have those things in mind when fixing it.
And yeah, I haven't gave it the time it deserves, right now I'm scarce in time.
Though I'll really appreciate it if you check it again after I change it.
Again... thanks, really.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Sep 18, 2013   #4
Right now, I posses one of the hugestbiggest secret thathumanityanybody has ever heard, and for once, I'll revel it... just to you.

You'll have to really open your mind to acknowledge what I'll say, and your eyes, to really look farther from where you are standing

You will have to open your mind to listen to what I'm going to say and your eyes wide open to see farther from where you are standing now.

If I was an admissions officer reading this I would feel this is a rather condescending essay. It also is rather broken and doesn't quite follow any distinguishable route, it's as if you just wrote it and didn't look over it at all. My suggestion would be to start at where you ended ie. the imagination. The imagination is a rather cliche topic in my opinion, but if you can do it well it has potential. Post a revision and I'll help you with that if you like.

I think Raleigh9 has got a point. Pay attention to what he suggests. I too wish if you make a fresh post here :)


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